by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: Love Essentials: Identifying Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 2: Love Essentials: Fulfilling Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 3: Revealing Your Relationship Values for Meaningful Connections
- Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your Love
- Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries
- Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles
- Lesson 7: Finding Your Attachment Style
- Lesson 8: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner to Date Mindfully
- Lesson 9: How to Date with Confidence or Learning Your Strengths, Overcome Your Weaknesses
- Lesson 10: Defining and Achieving Your Relationship Goals
- Lesson 11: Breaking the Vicious Cycle or Identifying and Overcoming Past Relationship Patterns
Ok, now, that you know your needs and values, it’s time to talk about your non-negotiables and how you can effectively communicate them to your partner. Let’s proceed with our course and learn it in this lesson, shall we?
What Are Non-Negotiables?
In simple words, these are sort of must-haves you have to have (or the opposite, can’t tolerate) in your relationship, and the lack of them leads to an unfulfilled and unsatisfied life. It can be a range of characteristics you are looking for in a potential partner such as humor, an open mind, or self-reliance. Or, it can also be shared ethics and principles like political or religious views. Non-negotiables can reflect lifestyle preferences or long-term aspirations. Without knowing and balancing your non-negotiables, it is hardly possible to reach a happy relationship that you really want and deserve.
How Do Non-Negotiables Appear?
We are talking about some deeply entangled personality traits, life values, political or religious beliefs, and life ambitions, that you see as your core. Here’s some of them:
- Personality Traits: These inherent qualities largely influence our expectations from a relationship. For instance, introverted individuals might view personal space and tranquility as absolute necessities, while extroverts might need their partners to engage in social activities frequently. These non-negotiables are significant aspects of an individual’s personality and contribute to their mental health.
- Life Values: We discussed core values in the previous lesson deeply. As you already know, they guide our actions, decisions, and overall life perspectives. When you have values that resonate with your core deeply and play a vital part in your well-being, that’s a non-negotiable. If honesty is your core value, then any form of deceit or cheating will naturally become unacceptable to you.
- Political or Religious Beliefs: Political or religious beliefs often materialize in a certain lifestyle that becomes non-negotiable if partners can’t share. Also, certain beliefs shape a person’s worldview and might influence the choice of a romantic partner. For example, religion can dictate dietary preferences, daily practices, and lifestyle choices, which can become non-negotiables for one person or unacceptable for another.
- Life Goals: Our career aspirations, family goals, personal development, and priorities often intertwine with relationships. Let’s say one person chooses career over family, and their partner’s priority is to raise kids together.
Is It Okay to Have Non-Negotiables in a Relationship?
Yes, it is. Having non-negotiables is normal as we all have certain standards, beliefs, and values that we hold dear. And those things are far from being just demands fueled by selfishness. Discussing what is important to you is simply about respecting your own needs and wants in a relationship, which is important for personal well-being and satisfaction. They can make sure you feel safe, understood, and sure about your common future.
How Can Non-Negotiables Help Your Relationship?
Here are the benefits of knowing your non-negotiables:
- You’ll respect yourself more. Once you stand out for what you believe in to protect your integrity, life rewards you with strong mental, emotional, and even physical health, which leads to strong relationships as well.
- You can figure out in the early stages how comparable you are. If the potential match is not ready to accept what truly matters to you, they are not your person.
- You can communicate better and solve conflicts faster when you both know what each of you can’t stand.
- You can be sure it’s the one. Knowing and respecting each other boundaries can lead to the relationship’s longevity, as it’s less likely that fundamental disagreements will arise later on.
Exercise: Determine Your Dating Non-Negotiables
The identification of non-negotiables in dating requires introspection and prioritization. Take a pen and some paper, find time when you can devote full attention to yourself, and let’s go through this self-discovery process.
Step 1. Reflect on Your Personal Values and Relationship Needs
Take your lists of needs and core values from the previous lessons. These core values will serve as a blueprint for determining your non-negotiables in relationships. Think about your relationship standards considering needs and values. This comprehension can guide you in drafting a preliminary list of non-negotiables.
Step 2: Evaluate Your Past Relationships
Your past relationships can provide valuable insights into what is truly non-negotiable for you. Reflect on these relationships and try to identify patterns – what worked well, what caused distress, and what factors led to the end of these relationships? Consider how these experiences align with your core values. Add more things to your lists of needs, values, and expectations of a healthy relationship if needed.
Step 3. Rank Your Non-Negotiables in Order of Importance
Bear in mind that not all emotional needs can qualify as non-negotiables. Perfection may seem enticing, but its pursuit could lead to solitude. Remember about the Romanticizer, the Maximizer, and the Hesitater from Course 1 Lesson 3? Setting non-negotiables is not about becoming one of those folks. So, it’s essential to prioritize. Ask yourself – what are the things without which you can’t imagine a successful and satisfying relationship?
You can start by assigning priorities to your needs and values. Then select those that are indispensable for your contentment and well-being, and consequently, you will be equipped to construct a list of relationship non-negotiables.
Step 4. Practice Flexibility
While it’s important to have clear non-negotiables, being flexible can save you lots of nerves. Remember, no one is perfect, and a compromise from time to time is necessary in all relationships. You don’t have to go against yourself, however, being open-minded can help you a lot too.
Step 5: Communicate Your Non-Negotiables
Be transparent about your standards and what you want. You don’t have to go on a date with a list of requirements, but as you get closer to a person, it makes sense to speak up clearly about what you expect. Remember, don’t push, be respectful and polite.
Step 6: Regularly Reevaluate Your Non-Negotiables
It’s normal to change. Actually, it is just proof of your growth and maturity as a human being. Since values or needs change with time, it is essential to reconsider your non-negotiables.
How to Communicate Your Non-Negotiables?
When and how should I start the conversation? How can I emphasize what truly matters to me without sounding too demanding? What if I fail to make a point? What if they react negatively? These and many other questions can run through your mind. To stop this neurotic chaos, let’s break up step by step the strategy:
- Choose the right moment as timing is everything. For example, when both of you are calm and not distracted, perhaps during a peaceful moment at home, or when going for a walk. Avoid tense, stressful times, or when either of you is in a rush. Keep it casual and relaxed.
- Speak from the “I” perspective. **This helps to express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing the other person. Say “I feel…” or “I need…” rather than “You always…” or “You never…”.
- Once the stage is set, be clear and specific about what your non-negotiables are. Use concrete examples if needed. Avoid ambiguous or vague language.
- Make sure your partner understands the importance and why the things you talk about are non-negotiable to you. Share your feelings and the significance of these issues in your life.
- Be ready to listen and answer the questions. **After you’ve spoken up, give your partner a chance to respond. This is a dialogue, not a monologue. Let them process what you’ve said.
- Be open to their non-negotiables too. It’s not only about you, remember that! Be prepared for the backfire.
- Remember the end goal: fulfilling and happy relationships where each of you flourishes and becomes a better person. Balancing between your needs, wants and values and your partner’s don’t forget about what you have in common and how important is for both of you.
What if You and Your Partner Can’t Agree on Non-Negotiables?
Sometimes people just can’t agree on things, and that’s totally normal. No one should push or be pushed to make sacrifices.
Let’s say, you are an introvert who needs a lot of self-time and quiet space, while your extroverted partner can’t stand being alone and like busy parties. If this happens, and there is no way any of you can adapt without causing each other discomfort, maybe it’s better to stop the torture by breaking up. Of course, before that happens, it’s better to have an open and honest conversation.
However, finding compromises can be a solution. Coming back to the extrovert/introvert relationship example, maybe your partner is ok with partying alone while you are chilling at home, or you can take turns choosing how to spend weekends. The key is finding a balance that respects both people’s needs.
Counseling or therapy might save your case if you can’t find compromises but still believe the relationship has a future. It can also be a great start for both of you to grow. It’s always easy to give up thinking you’ll find something better. And remember, taking responsibility and repairing what is broken is easier than starting every time from scratch. That’s a part of being mindful.
Your Flisk
Quiz: Non-Negotiables in Love
- What are Non-Negotiables in a Relationship?
a. Things you always compromise on in a relationship
b. Things you can’t compromise on in a relationship
c. All the preferences you have in a relationship
d. The deal breakers in a relationship
- What should you do when your non-negotiables conflict with your partner’s?
a. Break up with them immediately
b. Ignore the issue and hope it goes away
c. Try to change their minds
d. Communicate openly about it, try to understand each other, find a compromise or consider professional help
- Should your non-negotiables be static?
a. Yes, they should never change
b. No, they should be reassessed regularly as you grow and evolve
c. It depends on your mood
d. Only when your partner asks you to change them
- After communicating your non-negotiables, what should you do next?
a. Stop the conversation
b. Criticize your partner if they don’t agree
c. Give your partner a chance to respond and invite a dialogue
d. Assume that your partner completely agrees
- What is important to remember when standing firm on your non-negotiables?
a. Never compromise
b. Always insist on your way
c. Understand that relationships also involve compromises
d. Force your partner to agree with your non-negotiables
- What is the ultimate goal when communicating non-negotiables?
a. Winning arguments
b. Creating a rigid list of demands
c. Building a relationship where both of you can feel safe, respected, and heard
d. Proving your point
