Lesson 3. Ghosting, Benching, and Rejection: How to Overcome 3 Common Dating Challenges

Ghosting is when somebody you are dating suddenly stops talking to you altogether and out of the blue. They disappear, like a ghosts. And it can be done through the textual way, calls, or online chats. Sometimes they might block you on social media too. This hurts since you are left with so many questions and no answers. And it tears down your self-esteem and makes you get confused over your self-worth.

How to Prevent Ghosting?

It is not easy to avoid ghosting as that is something about the other person’s communicational capacities or their lack of them. It is also can be unpredictable if you misjudge the character of your date. Yet, here are a few tips which might help reduce the chances of being ghosted:

Choose Open Communicators

Try to date people who seem open and honest in their communication. If someone often avoids answering questions or doesn’t seem to share much about themselves, they may be more likely to ghost.

Take It Slow

Take your time knowing the person, rather than rushing into a relationship. If you learn about their goals and dating motivation early on you can predict their behavior and reactions. You could always tell who is not consistent or who’s just treating dating as a casual evening hobby.

Set Clear Expectations

State what you seek in the relationship. When people are uncertain about what you expect from them, it becomes easy for them to ghost you.

Be Engaging

Keep the conversation interesting and engaging. If the other person is interested in your conversations, they might be less likely to ghost.

Don’t Ignore Red Flags

If someone always cancels plans, doesn’t message for weeks at a time, or avoids deep conversations, those may be indicative of them ghosting you in the future. Be aware of these signs and address them when they occur.

You cannot control others’ actions, but you can definitely control your reaction to what they have done, which will save you from a whole lot of pain.

How to Recover from Ghosting?

The most critical thing that one could consider may be the fact that this isn’t about you. When someone ghosts you, it is all about them not being able to handle such a tough situation. This person did not communicate because they didn’t know how, not because of your mistakes.

Some tips below can also help you feel better if you go through ghosting.

It’s Okay to Feel Bad. Yes, ghosting hurts. It’s ok to feel upset.
Send a Message or Two, not more. You can ask the person why they ghosted you, but if they don’t respond, it’s better to move on. Just let this go. If you go on texting, you’ll only make yourself feel worse.
Talk to Your Friends or Family. Talking about how you feel with people who care about you can make you feel better.
Take Care of Yourself. Take good care of yourself, and do things you like doing and are happy about. You can read, run, take time with your friends, or try a new hobby.
Remember, You’re Still Amazing. It isn’t because someone ghosted you that means you’re less great. You are worth someone actually treating you right. And this person was not the right match for you.
Learn From It. Remember what happened and try to spot any warning signs in the future. This can help you avoid being ghosted again.
Keep Going. Being ghosted should not prevent you from continuing your dating journey. There are plenty of nice people out there who will not ghost you.

Rejection: It Is Not the End of the World

Rejection in dating can be disappointing, but that does not make the person any lesser than others; it only makes them unavailable to the particular person. Here are some tips for coping and reducing the chances of rejection:

Accept and Acknowledge Your Emotions. It’s okay to feel sad or disappointed. That’s normal, and instead of bottling them up inside, such emotions should be recognized.
Self-Compassion. Be kind to yourself. It is way too easy to start blaming yourself and criticizing once you have been rejected. But remember, everybody faces rejection, but it has nothing to do with you or other people.
Perspective. Rejection in dating usually has more to do with compatibility than personal worth. It’s not about being good enough, but about being fit for each other. So don’t take it personally and don’t think that you were rejected because of your flaws. This mismatch in values and needs can cause rejection, meaning this person was not right for you either.
Resilience. Use rejection as an opportunity for growth. Learn from the experience. What can it teach you about your preferences, your approach, or your communication? How does it change your understanding of your ideal relationships? Maybe there are some traits that already show at early stages that some people are not the right match for you.
Stay Active. Continue with your hobbies, interests, and social life. It won’t just keep you busy to take your mind off the pain of rejection but also help to maintain some of self outside of dating. You are a person regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.
Reach Out to Others. Share your feelings with trusted friends or family. You’re not alone in this, and their support can make coping easier.

How to Reduce the Probability of Rejection?

While rejection is natural and all people face it from time to time, there are some tips that can help you reduce this likelihood.

Open Communication. Be upfront about your intentions and what you want. This can at least start to align you and the other prospective partner on some kind of similar page. This is where the understanding of your relationship goals, needs, and values will help you a lot.
Be yourself. Of course, when you date, it’s very tempting to show yourself off a little bit, but this is certainly not good for the long term. You want to find someone who actually likes you just for being you. The probability of rejection is way smaller if you stay authentic and don’t hide your true personality from your partner.
Don’t rush things. Allow yourself to get to know one another, and vice-versa. This way, relationships will more often than not evolve organically through shared experiences and time together.
Active Listening. When you are genuinely interested in another person, ask questions and show your understanding. Showing empathy, asking about and being concerned with other people’s thoughts and feelings is a way to win them over. People like to stay where they feel interested and valued.
Positivity. Try to be optimistic, even when things are not happening the way you want them to. A positive outlook can make you more attractive to others and help you cope with any rejection that does occur. Always remember that rejection is not about estimating your worth somehow.

Well, rejection is not the end of the world. Though it can be very painful, it may also give you valuable lessons and opportunities for personal development. With every partner and with every rejection, you get closer to realizing what you want from the relationship. Let me remind you once more: it doesn’t make any sense to get upset about rejection or to take it personally. The right person meant for you will appreciate and value you for who you are.

Benching: Don’t Let Others Use You

“Benching” is when someone you are dating sees you only as a short-term partner but never quite commits to moving the relationship forward.

Similar to how it works in sports when some players are waiting for their chance to join the game on a bench, “benching” someone while dating describes the fact that you keep that person in your mind or you interact with them while considering some other options. Maybe they’re waiting for something “better” to come along, or simply not sure about their feelings toward you. Maybe they keep you ‘on the bench’ through periodic messages, giving you just enough attention to keep your interest piqued but never really committing to deepening the connection with you.

It is puzzling and usually painful since it builds false hope, and it’s tough to move on. When you’re in a situation where you feel you might be getting benched, it’s better to confront a person by communicating what you need and expect with them and just decide from there if the relationship would be worth pursuing.

How to Understand that You Are Benched?

There are some common signs that can make you understand that you’re probably being benched.

Inconsistent Communication. Your partner reaches out sporadically, often going silent for long periods and then reappearing out of the blue. The timing of their communication might be unpredictable and lack a regular pattern.
Lack of Progress. This is a relationship that apparently stands still, not really developing into more meaningful levels of commitment or intimacy.
Avoidance of Commitment. They avoid making future plans, even something as ordinary as a dinner and seem resistant or cagey if one tries to make a plan a week in advance. This is definitely a red flag you should consider.
Excuses. They consistently come up with excuses about why they can’t meet up or move things forward. This might include being “too busy,” dealing with personal issues or experiencing a lot of sudden emergencies.
Limited In-Person Time. Most interactions may be over text, social media, or anything else; hardly face to face.
Vagueness. They might be elusive regarding the nature of your relationship and, therefore, would not define it, let alone give any straight answers if one asks where things stand.
Feeling Like an Option. You have the sense that you’re one of many options they’re keeping open, rather than a priority.
Lack of Emotional Support. They might be there for fun and casual conversations, but absent when you need emotional support or meaningful conversation.

What to Do if You Feel that Someone Is Benching You?

Dealing with benching in relationships can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to navigate such a situation:

Step 1: Assess the Situation

Evaluate your relationship and feelings. Are you satisfied with the current status? If you constantly feel undervalued or that your needs aren’t being met, it may be a sign you’re being benched.

Step 2: Communicate Your Feelings

Open communication is crucial. Express yourself and what you want. Be direct and clear. The other person might not be aware that they’re causing distress or, in other cases, this could lead them to reveal their true intentions.

Step 3: Set Boundaries

That’s wonderful to know what you want from a relationship and to communicate it. If you’re looking for a committed relationship and the other person isn’t, then that may be a reason to reassess whether the relationship is healthy for you. Keep in mind your non-negotiables and boundaries, which are so crucial in finding a relationship that you deserve.

Step 4: Be Patient

If that person needs some time to figure out what they want, that’s cool, but make sure it’s within reasonable limits and not a case of leading you on forever. Pay attention to the attachment type of your partner. Avoidant types tend to take some time for themselves when you get too intimate with them.

Step 5: Take Care

Practice good mental and emotional self-care. Maintain a support system of close friends and family, pursue hobbies you are interested in, and live your life outside of the relationship. You may also want to discuss the situation with a friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Sometimes a third party can give insight into the situation. Sometimes an external viewpoint helps to place things into perspective.

Step 6: Know When to Walk Away

If you have shared your feelings and the person does not stop benching you, then perhaps that is a sign to give up. After all, one should always put personal satisfaction above everything else and seek a relationship where one feels contented and appreciated.

Benching can be caused by different reasons from an ego boost that comes from having several people interested in you, lack of courage, fear of commitment, and uncertainty in the partner. The point is that all of these reasons are always pointing to your partner, and you deserve a better relationship where you are valued and treated with respect. If you get this feeling of being benched, have an open and candid conversation about what bothers you, and see where things will lead.

That’s all for today! Stay tuned for our next lesson, where we will talk about recognizing toxic relationships.

Your Flisk

Quiz: Ghosting, Benching, and Rejection. Overcome 3 Common Dating Challenges

What is ghosting in the context of dating?

a. An act of haunting past relationships
b. When someone you’re dating suddenly stops talking to you without any warning
c. Going on a date in a haunted house
d. Dressing up as a ghost for a date

How can one potentially reduce the chances of being ghosted?

a. Ignore any red flags
b. Take relationships very quickly
c. Choose people who seem open and honest in their communication
d. Make the relationship boring and uninteresting

What should you remember when you’re rejected in dating?

a. It’s the end of the world
b. You’re not worth anything
c. Rejection usually has more to do with compatibility than personal worth
d. You will never find another person again

What does “benching” in dating refer to?

a. Working out with your partner
b. A situation where someone you’re dating maintains contact with you over time, but never quite commits to moving the relationship forward
c. Going on a date to a park and sitting on a bench
d. Breaking up with someone

What can be a sign that you’re being benched?

a. Your partner communicates consistently
b. Your relationship is progressing rapidly
c. Your partner is always clear about their intentions
d. Your partner reaches out sporadically and often goes silent for long periods

Series Navigation<< Lesson 2. Cool, Calm, and Connected: Mastering First Date JittersLesson 4: Toxic Relationships: Recognizing Red Flags and Paving Paths to Freedom >>

Lesson 3. Ghosting, Benching, and Rejection: How to Overcome 3 Common Dating Challenges