by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: Love Essentials: Identifying Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 2: Love Essentials: Fulfilling Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 3: Revealing Your Relationship Values for Meaningful Connections
- Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your Love
- Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries
- Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles
- Lesson 7: Finding Your Attachment Style
- Lesson 8: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner to Date Mindfully
- Lesson 9: How to Date with Confidence or Learning Your Strengths, Overcome Your Weaknesses
- Lesson 10: Defining and Achieving Your Relationship Goals
- Lesson 11: Breaking the Vicious Cycle or Identifying and Overcoming Past Relationship Patterns
In this lesson, we will learn how to detect your relationship needs and make your relationship stronger through this.
What is the definition of the ideal partner? If you are craving for someone who is compassionate and understanding, can not only feel what you feel but also be able to fulfill your emotional needs, well, it might be unrealistic. Why? Many of us don’t have a clear understanding of our own emotional needs, let alone know how to satisfy them ourselves.
That makes finding the perfect person who instinctively can grasp our needs quite challenging. Therefore, if you are on a journey of mindful dating, one of the first steps is to recognize your emotional needs.
What Can You Get From Understanding Your Needs?
Understanding what you need in a relationship can be a game-changer. Let’s explore why.
You Improve Self-Knowledge
Knowing your relationship needs helps you understand yourself better. It shows what makes you happy, and what doesn’t. This knowledge can help you choose the right people to be around and check if you’re compatible early in the relationship.
You Get Happier
By knowing how to meet your relationship needs, you become happier and less dependent on your partner. This can make your relationship stronger because you’re less demanding and more positive.
You Can Help Your Partner Understand You
Many times, we express love in the way we wish to receive it, oblivious to our partner’s preferences. Understanding your emotional needs helps you explain to your partner how you want to be loved. This can stop unnecessary expectations and help you avoid frustrations. It can lead to a healthier, more satisfying relationship.
You Can Set Boundaries Clearly
If you know what you need in a relationship, you can create clear boundaries. For example, if you need loyalty, you won’t accept a partner who dates multiple people at the same time.
So, knowing what you need in a relationship helps you understand yourself, communicate better, be happier, and set important boundaries. All of these things make for a better, longer-lasting relationship. Sounds good, doesn’t it?
Do You Feel Okay About Dealing With Your Needs?
Though understanding your relationship needs is helpful, many people don’t want to look at this vulnerable part of themselves for a reason.
We Are Scared of Being Needy
Sometimes people worry that if they talk about their emotional needs, they might look too needy. But trying to hide these needs can actually make you seem more unsatisfied. Everyone has needs, and it’s normal. It’s not fair to blame your partner for not meeting needs you haven’t shared. Once you figure out your needs, your relationship can get better and stronger.
We Are Scared of Being Vulnerable
Some folks also think that asking for their needs to be met might make them look weak. This isn’t true. Instead, think about it like giving your partner a guide to make you happy. Often, our partners want to make us happy, they just need to know how. We usually love others the way we want to be loved, but your partner might need love in a different way.
Exercise: How to Identify Your Relationship Needs?
Let’s practice!
We suggest an easy and hard exercise at the same time. No worries, we will guide you. In the end, you will better understand what you want in a relationship.
For the first exercise, you need to grab a pen, read the list of relationship needs provided below, and highlight the ones that resonate with your feelings the most.
Important: This exercise requires a considerable degree of honesty with oneself. You may come across certain needs that initially seem alien to the ideal image of yourself that you may have. Embrace them bravely, for there’s no shame in having emotional needs. And because no one is watching. Turn off your inner critic and recognize what you crave. The realization of your needs is the one step closer to fulfilling them, which paradoxically renders you less dependent on others and increases your appeal.
The List of Personal and Emotional Needs
| • To be acknowledged: recognized, respected, praised, honored, noticed, cheered, seen. • To be responsible: accountable, promises, obligations, duty, fairness, justice, commitments, duty, do the right thing, justice, have a mission, be devoted, obliged, pledge. • To control: influence, command, power, manage, administer, take the reins, lead, rule, strategize, organize, dominate, guide, supervise, strength, power. • To be heard: express yourself, talk openly, communicate, stay connected, be comprehended, share and exchange, be understood. • To be touched: embraced, connected, hugged, kissed, massaged, caressed. • To be first: lead, triumph, excel, master, defeat, overcome, persuade, succeed. |
Order: making lists, cleanliness, discipline, orderliness, habits, frameworks, neatness, schedules, consistency, perfection, tidiness. • Peace: balance, agreement, solitude, calm, stillness, harmony, silence, quiet. • To be valued: appreciated, acknowledged, noted, recognized, respected, thanked, honored, praised, worthy. • Freedom: independent, self-reliant, self-governing, unconstrained, free from obligations, self-decided, autonomous, limitless. • To be right: correct, comprehended, not mistaken. • Security: protection, safety, guarantee, assurance, steadiness, stability, commitments, guarantees, insurance. • To be loved: cherished, adored, esteemed, desired, enjoyed, valued, liked, treasured. |
• To be accepted: approved, allowed, permitted, respected, favored, validated, confirmed. • To fulfill: achieve, reach, execute, get results, put into action, manifest. • Accuracy: clarity, assurance, certainty, awareness, confidence. • To work: be occupied, have a profession, act, generate, take measures. • Honesty: truthfulness, realness, fidelity, transparency, authenticity, factuality, loyalty, truthfulness. • Comfort: abundance, luxury, convenience, wealth, pleasure, relaxation, restorative, ease. • To be assisted: supported, embraced, motivated, nurtured, given gifts, helped, looked after, provided for, valued, maintained, greeted. • To be helpful: useful, necessary, essential, needed, care for, give, serve. |
Step 1: Circle the Needs that Resonate with You
Pick as many of them as you want. Choose all the needs that make you emotional both positively and negatively. Remember, there is a difference between what we want and what we need. For example, who doesn’t want to be right? Who doesn’t want to have freedom? However, it’s just a matter of priorities. For example, a free spirit person who truly values freedom and risks a lot still needs the feeling of security. But if security were their primary need, they wouldn’t risk that much at all, constantly going for the safest option.
Step 2: Narrow down the List of Needs
Of course, all listed needs are important for overall happiness and fulfillment. But ideally, you should get a shortlist with 4 to 6 needs that resonate with you the most. Which of them do you put first? You can range them from most important to least important and then pick the ones on the top. These needs should align with your feelings and be essential for your happiness. Don’t hesitate to add your unique needs to the list.
The result could look like this:
- To be loved (including to be supported, treasured, given gifts, taken care of, kissed).
- To have balance (to feel harmony, agreement, and safety).
- To be appreciated (to be acknowledged, thanked, admired).
- To be needed (to be helpful, to care for others).
Confront the Needs You Resist
Often, the things we resist are those that we especially need to pay attention to. Yes, these needs we are trying to suppress and hide from the other’s eyes make us feel vulnerable but inside we desperately wish to satisfy them. Revisit the list of relationship needs one more time from this perspective.
Stay Attentive to Yourself During Difficult Times
When relationship needs go unmet, it can lead to feelings of neediness and result in irritability and discomfort. Be mindful of the times when you feel annoyed or displeased, as these moments might be your unmet needs voicing their existence.
Consider Your Gestures Toward Others
We frequently express love in the manner we wish to receive it, which also applies to our needs. Reflect on your typical behaviors in relationships. Likely, the things you do for others are what you expect in return. Pay special attention to things you believe are standard expressions of love. Recognize that your partner might desire love in a slightly different manner. Give some thought to this idea.
Talk to Those Who You Trust
If you’re unsure whether a certain need truly applies to you, particularly when considering the needs you resist, try asking someone who knows you well. For instance, if you suspect you have a need to always be first, consult your partner. They may confirm your suspicion by pointing out that you strive to win, even in board games, and take offense when you don’t. Remember not to take such observations personally. They are simply indicators of what you truly want. Now that you’re aware of them, you can work on fulfilling them, leading to increased happiness and completeness.
For a deeper understanding of the subject, you can refer to the book “The Secret Laws of Attraction” by Talane Miedaner.
That’s all for today! Stay tuned for our next lesson, where we will learn how to satisfy your relationship needs!
Your Flisk
