by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1. A Quick Guide to Secure Online Dating
- Lesson 2. Cool, Calm, and Connected: Mastering First Date Jitters
- Lesson 3. Ghosting, Benching, and Rejection: How to Overcome 3 Common Dating Challenges
- Lesson 4: Toxic Relationships: Recognizing Red Flags and Paving Paths to Freedom
- Lesson 5. Navigating Breakups with Grace and Growth
Today we’ll talk about the common causes of dating anxiety, how to overcome it, and plan a perfect date.
You are not the first who goes on the first date. Millions of people around the world do the same every minute. It’s a natural reaction of our lazy brain to panic and worry while waiting for something new and unknown. If you are really anxious it might indicate that the event is really important to you, so the stakes go high.
Anxiety is part of our body’s fight-or-flight response – a system that switches on to protect us from something dangerous. Although going on a first date with a person you’ve previously spoken to might not be the same as going on a hunt in the forest, the body could still interpret it as some form of danger because of the fear of emotional pain or embarrassment. Here are a few tips to make a first date less stressful and more fun.
How to Get Rid of First Date Anxiety?
Understand the Reasons
To mitigate first-date anxiety, first, try to understand the reasons for it. If you feel that you feel uncertain about your communication skills, you can attend or watch some courses, try role-playing what you want to say with your friend, and for sure get more experience. With experience, you will start to feel more confident talking to unknown people.
First-date anxiety could also be rooted in low self-esteem. Then, working with a positive self-image is the best remedy.
Another reason for anxiety can be unhelpful thought patterns, such as catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking, which make you believe you could make or break your date with just one gesture or phrase. In this case, changing your attitude toward dating and yourself is necessary to start with.
Accept Your Feelings
In the moment of anxiety, do not run from your feelings. Let yourself accept them the way they are without judgment. Suppressing emotions won’t move you anywhere and only make things worse. So, just breathe, be in the present moment, and let things unravel.
Change Your Attitude to the First Date
The purpose of a first date is simply to get to know someone better. It is not a commitment to anything – a relationship or for life. It is not a job interview even, where you have to impress the other side. Remember, it is supposed to be a fun activity where you get to know whether you like one another. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Prepare
Preparation makes you more aware of what is going to happen next. No need to bother about a spur-of-the-moment decision on where to go or what to do once you are prepared in advance. Know where you’re going, how you’re getting there, what you’re going to wear. Maybe even have a few conversation topics in mind.
Create Your Dating Mood Rituals
Being in the right mood is essential. Research by Richard Wiseman showed an interesting fact. People who believe that they are lucky tend to notice tips and hints that indeed bring them something good, while people who don’t believe in their luck miss such signals. The same is true for dating. Your mood affects a lot the impression you make on people. That is why you can create your own rules of dating mood, some simple activities that you can do to feel ready to express yourself and enjoy time. Some people listen to comedies or good music, some people talk to their close friends to get the feeling of being loved and accepted. Think right now about what you could do to feel sexy, attractive, and ready to date.
Stay Here and Now
Try to stay present during the date. Instead of worrying about what might go wrong or whether they like you, focus on what’s happening at the moment.
Set Realistic Expectations
Remember that nobody is perfect, and first dates rarely are either. Neither you are perfect, nor your partner. It’s okay to have awkward times, things don’t go always as perfectly as you had envisioned. That is part of the fun. If you are really concerned about the date being a disaster, ask yourself what is the worst realistic scenario that could happen. You may find that even the worst of situations isn’t that bad and for sure isn’t the end of the world.
Positive Affirmations
Remind yourself of your worth and what you bring to the table, anything from your sense of humor down to making others feel comfortable.
Practice Breathing Techniques to Calm Down
Though there are many breathing techniques, today we want to share one very popular method called “Box Breathing” or “Square breathing.”
Inhale: Close your eyes and slowly inhale through your nose while counting to four. Try to fill your lungs fully with air.
Hold: Hold your breath while counting to four.
Exhale: Slowly exhale all of your breath while counting to four. Try to empty your lungs completely.
Hold: Hold your breath again while counting to four.
Repeat: Continue the action for a few minutes, or until you start to feel calmer.
This is one of the most common techniques used in sports, police, and army training since such a condition is managed through control of heart rates, making the thought process clear, and taking one’s mind off stressful thoughts.
How to Make Your First Date Great?
Give Enough Time and Attention
Dating is not only about allocating time for it, it is also about creating the right atmosphere when the spark can appear. Make sure that you don’t have an important meeting after this date, as this will help you remove extra stress. Also, choose the place and time that will be really comfortable for both of you. Even if you schedule many dates, give enough attention to each of them to make them really successful.
A Date Is Not a Job Interview
The atmosphere of an interview is always full of anxiety. You have to mind how you look and, at the same time, someone is evaluating your answers. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of turning their dates into job interviews. They have a set of questions to ask and keep bombarding their match with them, which can only contribute to an already stressful atmosphere. The first date is definitely not the best time to decide whether this person suits you or not. We all feel stressed and often repeat the answers that we are used to saying to people in such situations. So if you don’t feel the spark right away, give your partner one more chance.
Choose the Correct Location
It is way easier to open up to a person when you are located side to side, not opposite to each other like in bars or cafes. You can use this idea to plan your dates. Suggest going for a walk instead of sitting in a cafe. It will add more intimacy to your talk.
Pick Interesting Activities
To avoid sitting in front of each other in awkward silence, make a list of interesting places where you can go. It is always better to have something third to discuss when some pauses happen. You can go to an art gallery, to the theater, on an excursion, to a master class, and learn a dance together. You can do anything that implies some interaction and gives you and your partner the subject to discuss.
Let Your Match Know that You Think About Them
While planning a date, think about the places that are convenient for your match, say, a cafe near his or her place, a restaurant that serves particular food, or even a master class in the thing that your partner likes. And tell your match about your efforts. Showing your care always gives you extra points.
Raise the Probability of a Second Date with Laughter
Laughing makes us release oxytocin, the hormone responsible for trust and bonding. Don’t make your first date too serious. Try engaging in some childish play to make everybody feel a bit lighter. For example, you can start counting ducks in the pond, imagining stories of couples who you meet, try to guess the plates of cars with your eyes closed, or invent any game you like. It may sound strange in the beginning, but if you show that this is just a game, not your normal behavior, you will see how the atmosphere gets lighter.
Avoid Small Talks
We are all too used to small talks at work and having one more with your potential match is hardly a good date idea. The problem with small talk is that it makes you too distant from your partner. Really, who cares about his or her college? To move things further and check the qualities of your match, try jumping to the middle of the conversation straight away. Instead of asking interview-like questions you can start with a story that has just happened to you or ask for advice that you need in your current life situation. This will make you more intimate with your partner way faster.
Let People Feel Interesting
We often focus too much on how interesting we look for our matches. This causes anxiety and actually prevents our partners from showing their true selves to us. Practice active listening and spend more time asking questions and making your partner feel that he or she is interesting and valued by you. Try to learn to notice when you drag attention from your partner to yourself and instead ask for more details from your partner. You will minimize your anxiety and seem a way nicer dater for your partner.
Put Your Phone Aside
Devote your whole attention to your partner for the time of your date. Remember when someone kept checking their phone when you were talking about something important? Probably, you felt bad. Paying attention to your phone and gadget removes empathy from the conversation. Ask your partner to do the same thing – put the phone aside. Most people will appreciate your desire to fully engage in the conversation without distraction.
Always End with a Bright Thing
We tend to remember the most intense moment and the end of something, so always keep something good for the end of the date. Give a compliment or end the date when both of you feel very happy and eager to go on another date.
That’s all for today! Stay tuned for our next lesson, where we will talk about rejection, ghosting, and benching and learn to overcome these three common and very painful dating experiences.
Your Flisk
