by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: What Is Mindful Dating and How Can It Help You?
- Lesson 2: Cyber Love Simplified: Mastering the Specifics of Online Dating
- Lesson 3: Navigating Love’s Labyrinth: Why Dating Can Be Tough, Mindful or Not
Welcome to lesson three! Today we’ll talk about three common dating patterns that prevent people from building strong and happy relationships.
No worries, you are definitely not alone if you think that dating has become harder than ever before. And there are several reasons for that. One of them is the overwhelming choice, we have already discussed in the previous module. Other reasons are more related to how the world has changed over the last centuries.
We Are Free to Choose, But Not Ready to Do It
Today modern people are freer than at any time before in human history. We can take whatever profession and get whatever education we want. We can live in another country, and even social institutes like religion or family become less influential in our life choices. This is freedom…and as we all know, where freedom is, the responsibility comes along. Now, apart from figuring out the answers to the main life questions ourselves, we also need to think twice before we commit to anything, including love.
We Are Too Used to Finding Correct Answers
People are so used to reading reviews and checking information before doing everything today. We check online which hairdryers or watches are better. And we are so used to the fact that there is always a correct answer and someone can help us online so we transfer this certainty to the area of love and relationships.
But… no matter how hard you google it, no one can tell you for sure who is a better spouse for you. We look for the criteria of the right partner and get trapped. Why? Because your best partner doesn’t necessarily fall into these criteria! Add the pressure from relatives and society to find the right partner before a certain age, you will see why there is too much anxiety around building relationships.
People tend to post online only the best moments, improved even more with filters. Scrolling through these colorful feeds with happy moms and fit people traveling around the world, it is so easy to start thinking that you are the only one who has trouble. If you don’t discuss your problems and only follow these ideal stories on social networks, you risk getting really upset.
We Don’t Know What a Healthy Relationship Is
Based on Logan Ury, the author of the bestseller How to Not Die Alone, nowadays many people claim they merely don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. We don’t know how to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner and how to make decisions together. To know all these things we need positive role models, which we simply don’t have. In her book “How to Not Die Alone,” Logan Ury said that our generation is represented by the children of the divorced and disillusioned, which explains why the majority of us lack relationship role models.
Three Dating Tendencies That Block Your Dating Success
Logan Ury describes three common dating patterns that don’t let people find a good relationship. Below is a brief description of each. Do you recognize yourself?
The Romanticizer
These people love the feeling of love itself. They are looking for a soul mate who will be the only right partner for them. Their expectations of relationships are unrealistic.
The Maximizer
These people don’t want to settle for now. They are exploring the dating world and are very happy about it. They need total certainty in their partner to commit. So, the image of their potential partner is usually unrealistic and unreachable.
The Hesitater
These people don’t feel that they are ready to start dating. Like Maximizers, they have very high standards, but these standards are applied to themselves rather than their partners. They are waiting and waiting for the moment they feel that they are good enough to start dating.
If you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions, don’t worry, we will guide you on how to overcome all of these things in the upcoming courses.
What Can You Do Now?
First, you need to accept that perfection, be it a perfect partner, a perfect you, or a perfect relationship is not reachable. Yes, everything is imperfect, and this is what makes everything diverse and beautiful.
If you feel the Romatizer inside, try to switch your focus from finding a perfect relationship to building one. Love can’t be effortless. It is a journey with good and bad moments, and the key is in how you manage to cooperate with your partner to make this relationship work. Think about it.
Perhaps, the best recommendation for Maximizers is to stop being so obsessed about making the right choice and let yourself be happy. Don’t ask yourself whether you could be happier with another person. Instead, think about whether you want to build a happy-ever-after with the person you date.
Hesitaters should try to understand that every try is worth it. You can start dating and trying before you feel that you are perfect. Set deadlines, set small dating goals, and get ready for your dates. You can do it!
Quiz Lesson 3: Why Dating Can Be Tough, Mindful or Not
- What is the effect of social media on dating?
a. Social media is one of the best places to find a long-term partner as it shows the authentic personality of the potential date
b. Social media gives an unrealistic representation of a person, relationships, and lifestyle which can add pressure
c. Social media shows how the world works and teaches you how to interact with potential partners.
d. Social media has no impact on dating whatsoever, it’s just an entertainment tool.
- What is a common problem people face in dating by Logan Ury?
a. People don’t know how to be alone and how to deal with loneliness
b. People don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like
c. There are not enough qualitative people who deserve to be in a relationship
d. Women became too independent.
- Who is “the Romanticizer” in the context of dating tendencies?
a. A person who needs a lot of romance in their relationship
b. A person who has unrealistic expectations about relationships and is seeking an ideal soul mate
c. A person who lives in their fantasies instead of reality and prefers to date with imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend
d. A person who uses romance as a technique to lure another person into bed
- What is the main trait of “The Maximizer”?
a. They are trying to become the best version of themselves to finally start dating. Usually have high standards for themselves
b. They need total certainty in their partner and have an unrealistic image of their potential partner
c. People whose dating technique is to date as many people as possible
d. People who prefer to spend time with “Maxim” magazine rather than go on a date
- What should “Hesitaters” do to improve their dating experience?
a. Meditate or visit a therapist
b. Start dating and trying before they feel perfect and set small dating goals
c. Rase their standards and self-esteem by going on more random blind dates
d. Just be who they are and stick to their comfort zone, avoiding taking risks
- What is a good recommendation for individuals who identify as “Maximizers”?
a. To stop obsessing over finding the best match in the future and allow themselves to be happy
b. To continue hooking up believing that one day they’ll find the one
c. Stop buying the “Maxim” magazine
d. Just be alone
Key Takeaways
Congrats! You’ve finished the course Master the Art of Successful Online Love: A Mindful Dating Approach. So here is what you’ve learned:
- Mindful dating utilizes a conscious approach to dating that involves being authentic, empathetic, and practicing clear communication. The main idea is that you can’t build relationships without understanding your own emotions, setting personal boundaries, and expressing your feelings and needs honestly.
- Mindfulness addresses common dating issues such as superficial and fast judgment, the relentless search for better options, the commodification of love, and dating anxiety.
- In mindful dating, it is not only about identifying your own values, strengths, weaknesses, and relationship expectations but also seeking a deeper understanding of your date’s core values and qualities.
- For successful dating, effective communication and post-date reflection are crucial and help you to form strong relationships.
- Online dating might be tricky as it sets unrealistic expectations about having a proper image of yourself and your potential partner.
- Unhelpful dating patterns such as the Romanticizer, the Maximizer, and the Hesitater by Logan Ury, can hinder success in relationships. Mindfulness helps to recognize these patterns, adjust expectations, and change the attitude toward dating.
See you on our next courses!
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