Lesson 4: Toxic Relationships: Recognizing Red Flags and Paving Paths to Freedom

 

Today we’ll talk about the signs of toxic relationships, how to see them right from the start, and how to leave.

Toxic relationship is a term that is utilized in a modern lexicon quite too often nowadays. It refers to the type of interpersonal connection where consistent negative behaviors and patterns harm one or both parties.

While all relationships go through ups and downs, the defining features of toxic relationships are a constant cycle of negativity that emotionally drains and corrupts one’s self-concept, and even causes physical harm. These relationships don’t need to be romantic. They may also be in friendships, family, or work relationships. Long-term exposure to a toxic environment may lead to irreversible impacts on mental and emotional health.

What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship?

The signs of a toxic relationship vary a lot from more evident ones, such as physical hurting to less visible ones, including disrespect and isolation. We give a checklist of toxic behaviors in a relationship below. If you experience any of them, it might be a sign to start to heal this bond or leave the relationship at all.

• Abuse: Being hurt physically, emotionally, or even sexually.
• Manipulation: One person trying to control the other using guilt or anger.
• Lack of Trust: There might be constant suspicions, jealousy, or a need to monitor or check up on the other person regularly.
• Constant Criticism or Negativity: One partner constantly puts down the other, belittling their feelings, ideas, or aspirations.
• Control Issues: One person may try to control where the other goes, who they interact with, or how they spend their money.
• Isolation: Being kept away from friends or family.
• Poor Communication: There might be avoidance of essential discussions, explosive arguments without resolution, or an inability to discuss feelings and needs openly.
• Unbalanced Power Dynamics: When one partner makes decisions, dictates behaviors and interactions, and acts as though the other is too insignificant to feelings or opinions.
• Disrespect: Disrespect might come in forms like calling names, intrusion into one’s privacy, or not respecting boundaries.
• Fear: Being afraid of the other person’s mood or reactions.
• Dependency or Co-dependency: One or both partners may feel they cannot function or be happy without the other, even if the relationship is harmful.
• Lack of Personal Growth or Development: Feeling stuck or suppressed in personal or relationship growth.

Why Do People Appear in Toxic Relationships?

There may be many reasons why people find themselves in toxic relationships. In fact, a person has many reasons for committing to or staying in a hurtful relationship; thus, there are internal and external factors. Here are some of the most common reasons:

Upbringing and Past Experiences

People who grew up in unstable or abusive households may come to view these patterns as normal. They might unconsciously seek out or tolerate similar dynamics in their adult relationships.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is dangerous. A person may feel that they don’t deserve to be treated decently or even that the toxic behavior of their partner or a friend, family member, or a colleague is their fault due to something they did or failed to do.

Love and Commitment

In the beginning, toxic relationships might not appear harmful. As affection and commitment grow, it can become harder for someone to recognize or admit that the relationship is toxic.

Fear

Aside from this, fear of being alone, or fear of retaliation, or the judgment of society may be other reasons that keep one sticking to a harmful relationship.

Financial Dependency

The economic strains or dependencies may render a person incapable of leaving a toxic relationship in which he or she is dependent on his or her partner for their financial needs.

Isolation

A very common mechanism in many toxic relationships is the isolation of a partner from friends and family, in which case the isolated partner is less likely to seek support or perspective.

Cultural or Societal Pressures

Some cultures or communities emphasize staying in a relationship or marriage regardless of personal happiness or safety.

Hope for Change

Believing that the partner will change or that the situation is just a phase can make someone tolerate a toxic relationship longer than they should.

Denial

Denying or minimizing the harmful aspects of the relationship can be a coping mechanism.

Codependency

This is a dysfunctional relationship pattern wherein one person enables an addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, or irresponsibility of the other.

Lack of Awareness

To spot a negative pattern is even harder if a person doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. They might romanticize the emotional roller-coaster or consider toxic behavior as a norm as they’ve never observed or experienced any better.

Children

Having children can complicate decisions about leaving a relationship. Concerns about the children’s well-being, custody issues, or providing a “complete” family unit can be factors.

Sunk Cost Fallacy

In such cases, after one has already invested time, energy, emotion, and resources in a relationship, they might get the feeling of “being invested too much to leave” and often hope things will get better over time.

What to Do If You Feel You Are in a Toxic Relationship?

If you feel you are in a toxic relationship, remember that your well-being and safety should come first. No matter your next steps, safety, and health should be kept in mind.

Acknowledge the situation

At times, denial is like a defense mechanism, but the first step to change is always acknowledging the signs. Be true to yourself. How do you feel in this relationship? How many signs above have you noticed?

Seek Support

Share feelings and experiences with close friends, family members, or professionals. They can offer perspective, advice, and emotional support. It’s important to have some emotional support outside your relationship to be less dependent on it.

Establish Boundaries

If safe to do so, set clear boundaries in the relationship. Communicate your feelings and needs, and ensure that boundaries are respected.

Prioritize Safety

First and foremost, if there is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, put safety first. Have a safety plan, or have someone you trust as an emergency contact, or stay with them if you feels the need to do so

Counseling or Therapy. Consider seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple. A therapist can provide coping strategies, insights, and tools to handle or exit the relationship.

Limit Contact

f you’ve determined the relationship cannot be salvaged, it may be necessary to limit or eliminate contact with the person creating the toxicity if at all possible.

Exit Strategy

If you conclude that the only option left for you is to leave, ensure that there is a strategy, especially if the life circumstances or finances are interlinked. It may mean getting your finances in order, having someplace to stay, or seeking legal advice. Give consideration to all these things beforehand and well in advance of providing your partner with an inkling you might leave.

Rebuild and Recover

After being in a toxic relationship, the next step is to heal. Be around people who will build you up, do things that will raise your self-esteem, and take some time to grow. If you don’t have such people, you can help yourself by spending some time on your own, slowing down your life and taking small steps to engage in relationships again.

Avoid Rushing into Another Relationship

Give yourself some time to recharge and to find out who you are outside the confines of a relationship before entering into another one. Recognize the patterns that you’ve been drawn to and work towards establishing healthier connections in the future. Very often, people who appear in toxic relationships also have some patterns that make them seek such abusers. If you want, help yourself by not allowing this situation to happen again, get in touch with a specialist who can help discover why you appeared in such a toxic relationship and what you can do to prevent it in the future.

Keep in mind that it is okay to put your well-being first, and you do deserve a relationship that makes you happy, respects you, and grows with you mutually.

Invest in Education

Read books or articles about healthy relationships, or attend workshops. Consider some popular books like “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie or “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” by Beverly Engel.

What Do Manipulators Do to Make You Stay in a Toxic Relationship?

Abusers often use many maneuvers to keep the victim in their arms and under their control. These may be very subtle or overt and are intended to confuse, instill fear, and dismantle the ego and personal power of the victim. Here are things you should consider if you leave your toxic relationship. All these manipulations can prevent you from leaving.

Gaslighting

This involves making the victim doubt their perceptions, memory, or reality. An abuser might deny that certain events occurred or label the victim as “crazy” or “overreactive” to create confusion. To handle this manipulation, trust yourself and your experiences, document incidents when you can, whether in a journal or through another form of record-keeping and seek outside perspectives from trusted friends or therapists.

Love Bombing

An abuser will make a honeymoon phase at the beginning of a relationship, or after a huge conflict has occurred, and smother the victim with love, presents, and flattery to give the illusion of the “perfect relationship” or that they are showing “remorse”. To cope with this manipulation, a person would need to identify this pattern know it is a manipulation tool, and learn how to set boundaries.

Isolation

Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support systems so it would be harder to gain perspective or get help. You end up feeling weak and alone. That is why first you need to reconnect with old friends and family and join support groups or activities to rebuild your social network. This will give you more power to fight with disrespect and leave the relationship.

Threats

Threats may be direct, such as an injury to the victim, or indirect, like a threat to harm oneself, their mutual children, or any other loved one. What to do with threats? First, always take threats seriously. Contact authorities and ensure your safety.

Financial Control

A financially controlling abuser can make financial dependence make it hard to leave. To leave, you more than likely will have to take some steps in leaving, such as opening a separate bank account, learning about financial literacy, and seeking community resources to aid in financial independence.

Playing the Victim

Abusers may twist situations to make themselves appear as the victim, shifting blame and avoiding responsibility. Don’t let them manipulate you in such a way. Stay grounded in your reality and do not allow the abuser to rewrite history. Consult with professionals or support groups for validation.

Withholding Affection

As a punishment or control mechanism, they might withhold love, attention, or approval. This can be very painful if you don’t have other people to support you. To cope with this pain, recognize that affection shouldn’t be conditional or used as a control mechanism. Try to find validation and love outside the relationship.

Constant Criticism

Wearing down the victim’s self-esteem through constant criticism of their shortcomings or derogatory comments on what they may achieve. Let your partner not bring down your personality. Achieve and grow in self-worth and self-esteem, and surround yourself with positive affirmations and people who uplift you.

Jealousy and Control

Excessive jealousy can be framed as concern or love, masking the underlying desire to control the victim’s actions and interactions. But excessive jealousy isn’t love or concern—it’s control. You need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.

Intermittent Reinforcement

This involves a mix of positive and negative behaviors, creating an unpredictable environment. The victim might hold onto hope during good moments, thinking they indicate genuine change. This kind of behavior is very dangerous. It makes the victim almost addicted to the idea that this relationship still can work. To overcome it, you will probably need to talk to a specialist and stay very conscious. Be sincere and recognize that this cycle is nothing more than manipulation. Let yourself be free from this toxic environment and focus on looking for consistent and stable relationships.

Guilting

Making the victim feel guilty for the abuser’s actions and feelings can be a powerful control method. Overcome this by understanding that you are not responsible for someone else’s emotions or their actions, and work on strengthening yourself and your self-worth. You do deserve better, and you do have a right to end this relationship.

Playing on Sympathy

When things go really bad and you are about to leave, manipulators might share tales of a traumatic past or hardships to gain sympathy and justify their actions. Yes, abusive behavior indeed often results from a painful childhood experience, however, it doesn’t give this person any right to hurt you. Their pain and difficulties can’t justify abusive behavior, so stay strong and set boundaries.

Minimizing

This strategy is about downplaying the abusive behavior or its impact on the victim, suggesting they’re being too sensitive. The best thing to remember here to overcome this manipulation is to stay focused on your feelings. Trust your experiences and validate your feelings with trusted friends or professionals.

Monitoring

Excessive monitoring or checking up on the victim can be framed as a concern but serves to control and intimidate. You need to set firm boundaries. You can even consider digital tools or resources to ensure your privacy.

Remember that you deserve a healthy relationship with a loving partner, and you do not have to put up with inappropriate behavior. Love cannot come with pain and fear. It is in your power to leave this relationship and to start a healthy one.

That’s it for today! Don’t miss our next lesson, in which we will talk about break-ups: how to get ready for them, and when it is time to leave.

Your Flisk

Toxic Relationships Quiz

1. What should be a priority if you believe you’re in a toxic relationship?

a. Saving the relationship
b. Seeking revenge
c. Prioritizing well-being and safety
d. Helping your partner to heal their toxic patterns

2. If one is in a toxic relationship, what is an important first step toward change?

a. Avoiding conflicts.
b. Acknowledging the situation.
c. Waiting for the partner to change.
d. Keeping it a secret from everyone.

3. What is one reason someone might stay in a toxic relationship?

a. They enjoy being mistreated.
b. They hope the partner will change.
c. They prefer toxic relationships.
d. They find it entertaining.

4. How might an abuser use “playing on sympathy” to control their victim?

a. By giving gifts.
b. By admitting they’re always wrong.
c. By sharing stories of their traumatic past to gain sympathy.
d. By taking their victim on vacations.

5. Which tactic involves the abuser showering the victim with affection, gifts, and compliments, especially at the beginning of a relationship?

a. Guilting
b. Love Bombing
c. Monitoring
d. Isolation

Series Navigation

<< Lesson 3. Ghosting, Benching, and Rejection: How to Overcome 3 Common Dating ChallengesLesson 5. Navigating Breakups with Grace and Growth >>