Lesson 5. Navigating Breakups with Grace and Growth

Scientists say that our bodies get so used to our relationships and partners that our body goes through a similar process as it does when addicted people stop using drugs. Stress hormones go up, immunity and sleep suffer, and emotions get very strong and negative. One of the main reasons for such a reaction is that our brain considers a break-up as a loss, the loss of our happy-ever-after, the loss of our nice time together, the loss of support and empathy. And our brain doesn’t like losses, which makes a break-up so painful even if it is for the better.

What Can I Do to Make Our Break-Up Less Painful?

Write Down Your Reasons to Break Up

Our motivation fluctuates. At the moment when you are ready to break up, your motivation is very high, however, with time it goes down unless you get one more wave. To avoid this vicious cycle you need to write down your reasons to break up at the moment when your motivation is the highest. Think about the exact points that make you consider leaving the relationship for a while. This list will help you if you decide to step back.

Have a Break-up Plan

It is never pleasant to deal with a break up, even when you are the one who caused the breakup. It would help if you had a plan to make this as painless as possible. Some coaches even suggest setting a deadline and finding a person who will not let you back away.

Choose the Correct Time

Remember that you are ready for your breakup, but your partner is not. Probably you have been thinking about a break-up for some time already, but for your partner, it can be a complete surprise. So, choose a day when they can have enough time to process everything. Don’t tell them bad news before an important event, say, a presentation, or a special occasion. However, though it is important to choose the right moment to hurt your partner less, it is also crucial to mind your own well-being. So if your partner is constantly busy, you can’t postpone this talk forever. Always predict how your partner is going to respond in advance and think about what you are going to say. Never react to such phrases like “What is wrong with me?” or “What did I do wrong?”. Sincere and long answers will only hurt more. Likewise, be ready to protect yourself if the person feels too hurt and starts to blame you.

Allocate Some Limited Time for the Talk

Yes, most likely you want to be a good person and support your partner, but it makes no sense to spend a lot of time discussing every single detail that went wrong. Don’t spend more than an hour on your break-up. To avoid staying longer, plan an important event straight after your break-up, something you don’t want to miss.

Plan What You Want to Say

Though you have made your decision to break up, you don’t have a right to judge them. If the person isn’t right for you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with him or her. Be polite, express gratitude for the good moments spent, and explain that this relationship can’t work out for you.

Be Careful with What You Say

Be very careful with the feelings of others. People tend to focus on the last words in the relationship and take the reasons you name for break up as the key points. You can easily undermine someone’s self-esteem if you say that you leave not because the relationship goes wrong but because your partner has issues with appearance, smell, or character. Even if you indeed don’t like the smell, this is definitely not the only reason for a break-up.

Plan Your Recovery Activities

Even if you initiate the break-up, you will still feel very strong emotions, loneliness, pain, and regrets. The intensity of emotions even makes some people have break-up sex, but this is definitely a bad idea. Instead, plan what you are going to do after your break-up.

You are probably already used to doing things together and telling your ex about everything. Now you need to find other sources where you can get emotional support to prevent going back. You will have to change your habits to feel better again.

Here’s an exercise that can help you.

Step 1. Take a list, and in the right column write down everything that your partner shared with you and which gave you emotional support. Those can be, sharing news from work, sharing your insights, sympathy and support, weekend activities, and sharing funny stories.
Step 2. Next to each of these points write down other sources, people that can share these experiences with you. If there are no such people, think about where you can meet them, or other activities that can give you the same emotions.

Don’t Be a Nice Break-up Person

In her book “How to Not Die Alone,” Logan Ury says about the phenomenon of a Nice Breakup Person. This is when a person feels guilty inside and doesn’t want to be a bad person after a break-up. They keep calling you on special dates, give support, and contact their exes quite often. Though it is very tempting, in reality, this “being nice” strategy is good only for the nice person themselves. Their partners feel a lot of pain and still can’t move on because of a small hope that appears every time the “nice person” comes back.

How to Survive a Break-up?

Breakups are natural. All people go through it at least once in their lives. However, there are some tips to help you recover from this painful state faster.

Change Your Attitude

The key to relieving this pain faster is to change your attitude toward the break-up. Stop remembering things that you lost or that will never be there anymore. Instead, create a list of things that you gain with this breakup. There were likely hobbies you could not participate in because your partner did not enjoy them, or just wasn’t interested. Now, think about the commitments and problems you are no longer concerned with now that you are not with your ex. Sit for a while and make this list as long as possible. You will really feel better after that. A break-up is a perfect time to start rediscovering yourself. Go out, find new hobbies, and do the things that you didn’t normally do with your ex though you wanted to.

Be Honest With Yourself

Now, after your break-up, you are probably prone to see everything you had in very bright colors, however, there definitely was a reason for a break-up, and you know it. Remember everything – good and bad. And be honest with yourself that the bad moments of this relationship made it impossible to go on.

Give Yourself Time but Not Too Much

Some people tend to avoid relationships for a long time after a break-up. While this may be a great strategy to give one’s self-sufficient time, too much time before your next relationship actually can damage your self-esteem. Jumping right into another relationship straight after your break-up is also another bad idea. Trying to fix the pain that you feel inside with a new person, you are very likely to appear in a similar flawed relationship with the same outcome. Give yourself time to analyze what was wrong and reconsider even the way you choose partners. If you don’t try something else, you won’t get different results. Now reflect on what you would like to change in the next relationship, and how you would want to behave and communicate. Rethink your relationship goals, and review whether you can find some patterns that keep destroying your relationships.

One of the most difficult emotional experiences that any person will ever have to face is surviving a breakup. If you are going through one now, know this: it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or any other negative emotion. But try not to focus on all these negative emotions, pain, and losses. Instead, make an attempt to use your break-up as a lesson that can help you move on to a new much better relationship. And while you still feel pain, focus on activities that make you feel relaxed and happy, seek the support of your friends and relatives, and rediscover yourself.

Quiz: Navigating Breakups

What reaction does our body have to a breakup?

a. Our body doesn’t react.
b. It undergoes a process similar to withdrawal symptoms in addiction.
c. We become more alert and focused.
d. Our body enters a relaxed state.

Why does our brain find a breakup so painful?

a. Because it enjoys the drama.
b. It considers a breakup a gain.
c. It views a breakup as a significant loss.
d. Because it’s programmed to like relationships.

What is a “Nice Breakup Person”?

a. A person who breaks up politely.
b. Someone who calls their ex frequently after the breakup to be nice.
c. Someone who never breaks up.

Which strategy can potentially damage self-esteem after a breakup?

a. Engaging in a new hobby.
b. Talking to friends.
c. Avoiding relationships for a very long time.
d. Remembering the good moments of the past relationship.

Course Key Takeaways

Congrats! You’ve finished the course From Swipe Right to Just Right: Overcoming Dating Hurdles. Let’s recap the main points we have learned:

First-Date Anxiety

First-date anxiety is a common and natural response to uncertainty. It is happening because of a common fear of emotional pain or embarrassment. Understanding the source of anxiety could be the first step toward mitigating it.
You can make emotions worse by suppressing them. It’s important to accept your feelings and focus on the present moment.
Knowing the venue, dressing appropriately, and having potential conversation topics can help reduce anxiety.
Positive ways you spend your time can raise your mood, and even build confidence, which has a direct impact on the impression you give to your date.
Be ın the moment.
Accept that no one is perfect. Awkward moments are normal and not the end of the world.
Allocate sufficient time and attention to your date, choose a comfortable location, pick interesting activities, and make your date feel valued.
Avoiding Small Talk: Jumping straight into meaningful conversation can foster intimacy faster than engaging in small talk.
End the date on a high note to leave a lasting positive impression.

Ghosting, Rejection, and Benching

Ghosting happens when your date suddenly stops communicating with you out of the blue. To lower the risk of ghosting you can speak openly, set clear expectations, engage in deep, meaningful conversations, and still be prepared for it if you see the red flags.
Rejection is part and parcel of dating, it does not necessarily indicate anything about your worth. Approaching rejection healthily means first accepting that it happened. Try to acknowledge your feelings with no judgment and be kind to yourself. It might sound hard, to try to understand the perspective of the other person. It’s also important to stay active and reach out for support if you need someone to talk about what happened. You can minimize the chances of being rejected in the future by speaking openly about how you feel from the beginning. Always be yourself, take time to get to know a person, actively listen and have a positive attitude.
Benchings are situations where a person keeps you around but never commits to taking the relationship to the next step. It might be benching if you notice inconsistent communication, lack of progress, avoidance of commitment, constant excuses, limitation of time you spend together, vague answers for direct questions, feeling like you are just one of the options, and lack of emotional support.
Handling benching involves assessing the situation, communicating your feelings and expectations directly, setting boundaries, being patient, looking out for yourself, and most importantly, knowing when to walk away. What matters is making sure you are in a relationship where your value and respect are appreciated.

Toxic Relationships

The signs of a toxic relationship vary. Evident signs include physical harm; subtle signs involve disrespect and isolation. Key indicators include abuse, manipulation, trust issues, criticism, control, isolation, poor communication, unbalanced dynamics, disrespect, fear, dependency, and stunted growth.
The reasons why people stay in toxic relationships include bad past experiences, low self-esteem, unhealthy obsession, fear of rejection or loneliness, financial dependency, isolation, societal pressures, hopes for change, co-dependency, unawareness of the situation, children, and the sunk cost fallacy.
The manipulative tactics used in a toxic relationship include gaslighting, love bombing, isolation, threats, financial control, playing victim, withholding affection, constant criticism, jealousy and control, intermittent reinforcement, guilt, sympathy play, minimizing, and monitoring.
Steps if in a toxic relationship include acknowledging, seeking support, setting boundaries, always prioritizing personal safety, limiting contact, planning exit, focusing on personal healing post-separation, avoiding the rush, and learning more about the problem to find support and avoid toxic relationships in the future.

Navigating Break-ups

A breakup is akin to withdrawal from addiction in terms of how our body reacts. Our brain perceives breakups as losses, which can be painful even if it’s for the best.
To make a break-up less painful, get ready for it. Write down the reasons for the breakup when your motivation is highest to ensure clarity and resolve. Choose an appropriate time to break the news to your partner, being mindful of both their well-being and yours. Limit the duration of the break-up conversation to avoid unnecessary emotional exhaustion. Plan what to say, avoid judgment, and focus on gratitude and honesty. Be cautious with your words to avoid damaging the other person’s self-esteem. Plan activities post-breakup to aid your recovery and adjust to a new routine. Avoid the “Nice Breakup Person” trap, as it can be harmful to the other person.
To overcome a break-up faster, realize that breakups are a common part of the human experience. Adjust your perspective on the breakup to see it as an opportunity for growth. Reflect honestly on the relationship, recognizing both the good and bad moments. Be cautious not to rush into a new relationship without reflection and understanding.

See you on our next courses!

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Lesson 5. Navigating Breakups with Grace and Growth

Why Is It Painful to Break Up?