Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries

In this lesson, we’ll move to learn more about boundaries in relationships, how to set them, how to respect your partner’s boundaries and why it matters.

What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?

Boundaries are usually emotional, intellectual, physical, and mental borders that we create to define our personality, identity, and integrity. They signal to the other person where our responsibility, comfort, and patience begin and where they end.

Most likely you already have some boundaries, you are just not aware of them. For example, when you ask loud neighbors to be quieter, that’s the boundary.

Boundaries are can be formed around multiple aspects, for example, personal space, emotional support, respect for one’s thoughts or ideas, and consensual interaction.

Should I Have Boundaries in a Romantic Relationship?

Though many people worries about scaring their crush when they set boundaries, in reality, if it’s done in a healthy way it make us more attractive to potential partners. We all like people who treat themselves with respect.

Boundaries are not about controlling others. You simply inform people how you want to be treated. If others have the right to say everything they want, you have the right to limit this flow when it goes in your direction the way you want.

It is also way easier to be intimate with your partner when you know that you won’t hurt a person or that your partner won’t hurt you when they know your boundaries.

Why Do You Need to Set Boundaries?

You Will Respect Yourself More

It is natural that your self-esteem is going down if you let people treat you in a way you don’t like. If people interrupt you, shout at you, and make you feel down, with time, you stop respecting yourself, which is no good. The stronger boundaries you have, the more you respect yourself, and the more people around you respect you.

You Start to Have Fewer Relationship Needs

Not respecting boundaries often leads to unmet needs. If you feel a need for respect and control, most likely your boundaries are often crossed, and you feel disrespected.

You Have Fewer Conflicts in a Relationship

The process of setting boundaries involves expressing your needs and feelings clearly. This open dialogue fosters improved communication, which is vital for any relationship. When partners respect each other’s boundaries, it also builds trust. You feel safe knowing that your partner will respect your needs, wishes, and limits. As a result, you have fewer conflicts and misunderstandings.

The Consequences of Not Setting Your Boundaries

Even if you don’t set boundaries intentionally, you still have them unconsciously. Unfortunately, poor boundaries usually lead to a variety of mental health issues:

1) If you let your boundaries be repeatedly ignored, it can result in ongoing stress and anxiety. So at some point, you’ll wonder: “Why do I feel so uneasy, anxious, and can’t concentrate all the time?” If that’s happening it might indicate that once your boundaries were breached.

2) One more issue that emerges is low self-esteem. Allowing others to violate your boundaries not once, not twice, but consistently makes you question yourself a lot. When the feeling of disrespect becomes usual and even normal, everyone will feel unworthy.

3) Depression is another side effect. The growing inner conflict that emerges over time, as well as the feelings of helplessness and despair, contribute to depressive symptoms.

4) Codependency is another side effect. When someone enters your personal space without your permission, it can make you lose sight of your own needs. If this keeps happening, you may begin to feel like you’re not in control of your life and start depending on others to make decisions for you. While occasional guidance is natural, when it grows into a constant need, it can lead to an unhealthy dependence on others

5) Ignoring your needs and body signals can lead to burnout. Without proper boundaries, you can exceed yourself emotionally, mentally, or physically, leading to exhaustion or burnout.

Types of Boundaries

Let’s talk more about the types of healthy boundaries you can set in your relationships:

Physical Boundaries: We all have different levels of comfort when it comes to being physical with people. The culture, upbringing, past experiences, and current mental state – all of that reflect how we feel about physical interactions with others. How close we allow others to get to us, how we prefer to be touched, and by whom. If some people can be comfortable with friendly hugging strangers, you might feel the opposite, and that’s ok. Respecting physical boundaries means understanding and respecting your personal preferences, and those of others.
Emotional Boundaries: This is when people put their emotions on you when you are not ready for them. The way people treat you says a lot about your ability to let them know what is acceptable and what is not. For example, an emotionally healthy boundary means not taking responsibility for a partner’s mood, not tolerating emotional abuse or manipulation, or feeling guilty about saying no.
Mental Boundaries: Each individual has the right to his or her perception of life, values, beliefs, and dreams. That’s giving respect to other people’s worldviews even though they don’t coincide with yours. At the same time, being able to speak your opinion instead of agreeing all the time with your partner also reflects your ability to keep your boundaries.
Sexual Boundaries: How, where, when, with whom, and if ever you have sex or not, is your business and yours alone. **You have the right to like what you like and to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Openness, mutual consent, and respect are at the heart of a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Exercise: Think about these spheres. Do you know your boundaries in all of them? Are these boundaries enough for you to feel safe?

Several Rules You Should Know About Boundaries

Always Set Bigger Boundaries Than You Think You Need

For example, if your boundary is that no one can hurt you physically, try setting a boundary that no one can shout at you or hurt you mentally.

Always Leave When People Systematically Trespass on Your Boundaries

Our unmet needs can make us stay with people who don’t deserve us. If your partner neglects your non-negotiables and doesn’t respect your boundaries, let yourself leave the relationship. This is why it is so important to learn to satisfy your needs without a panther. It will make you freer and more attentive to your feelings.

Warn About Your Boundaries Immediately

It is better to tell people about your boundaries the moment they do something inappropriate. First, you don’t yet have enough negative emotions and can indeed stay calm. Second, people have the opportunity to explain that they didn’t know about your boundaries and didn’t want to hurt you.

How to Set Your Boundaries?

Exercise 1: List Uncomfortable Things

Think about the things that make you feel uncomfortable in a relationship and make your personal list. It can include:

No one can lie to me.
No one can hurt me.
No one can waste my time.
No one can be rude to me.

Take your time to write some such things on your list now.

Exercise 2: Pay Attention to Your Feelings

Your emotions serve as a barometer for when your boundaries are being breached. Feelings of discomfort, resentment, or even anger can be signs that a boundary has been violated. Reflect on your past relationships and interactions. Identify instances where you felt discomfort, anger, resentment, or disappointment because your limits were crossed. These can be important clues to what your boundaries are.

Exercise 3: Encompass Your Needs, Values, Non-Negotiables

Return to the previous lessons and take a look at your core values, relationship needs, and non-negotiables. How can these things influence your boundaries? For example, if your core value is “Respect”, and your non-negotiable is “Respectful communication with the partner”, then most likely your Boundary will be “No one can talk to me without respect”.

Remember that it is absolutely normal to have boundaries and protect your emotional and physical health. Just like your partner, you have the right to be respected and treated well.

How to Make Your Boundaries Work?

In the Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Miedaner, you can find a proven four-step algorithm to establish your boundaries. It includes: Inform, Request, Insist, Leave.

Inform means a friendly question in a simple manner. Most people are unaware that they are breaking your boundaries. You can ask something like, “Do you understand that this phrase was offensive?”

The Request is the next step. If a person doesn’t understand the Inform level, you can ask to stop the inappropriate behavior. Remember to stay calm and speak from “I” For example, you can say “I feel bad when I hear these rude words. Please, say what you mean politely.”

If this doesn’t work, you have to move on to the next step and Demand to stop the behavior. “I insist that you talk to me politely.”

If this fails again, you can go to the Leave step and quit the conversation. For instance, you can say “I won’t continue this conversation unless you stop shouting.”

Are you afraid to sound rude? Don’t worry if you know that you are establishing boundaries, you won’t have pain and frustration inside, so your voice will be neutral. Voice matters in this case, so be careful about how you say it.

Learn to Respect Boundaries as Well

Dealing with boundaries in a relationship is not just about setting yours, but also respecting your partner’s boundaries. The tricky thing about it is that many people won’t express their boundaries directly. You have to learn skills how to acknowledge the boundaries of others.

It all starts with listening. Pay attention to what others are communicating, both verbally and nonverbally. If they express their boundaries directly – great, in another case you may need to read between the lines. The body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues often speak about the person’s boundaries.
If you’re unsure about someone’s boundaries, ask about them! Open, respectful questions can help clarify what is and isn’t acceptable to the other person.
Sometimes you need to take “No” as an answer. Respecting boundaries means being able to walk away when a person says “No” without arguing with them or trying to change their mind with manipulations. Understand that “No” is a complete sentence and should be respected.
It’s never too late to work on your soft skills like empathy. Put yourself into the shoes of the other person to understand their perspective. This can help you understand why certain boundaries are important to them, so you can easily accept them.
Making assumptions can make it worse. Just because you are comfortable with something doesn’t mean others are going to be too. We are all different, and it’s normal. If you see something isn’t working, it’s better to ask to clarify what’s going on.
Give your partner the validation of their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with or understand someone’s boundaries, it’s important to validate their feelings. Tell them that their boundaries are important and that they have a right to set them.
If it’s necessary – apologies. If you feel you have crossed a line you never intended to, apologize sincerely. This shows that you respect their boundaries and are committed to honoring them in the future.
Be patient. Understanding and accepting others’ boundaries can take time, especially if their boundaries are very different from yours. Be patient with yourself and others during this process.

That’s all today! Stay tuned for the next lesson, where we are going to learn about attachment types, and how they influence your relationships.

Your Flisk

Quiz: The Power of Boundaries

What are personal boundaries in a relationship?

a. Limitations set by others
b. Limits or rules that individuals establish to identify permissible ways for others to behave towards them
c. Conditions set by society
d. Conditions set by your partner

Why are boundaries important in a relationship?

a. They are crucial for maintaining control over others
b. They help you respect yourself more and foster improved communication leading to fewer conflicts
c. They are necessary for justifying one’s actions
d. They are only needed when there are disagreements

What can happen if you don’t set your boundaries?

a. Increased stress and anxiety, Low self-esteem, Depression, Codependency, Burnout
b. Increased self-esteem, Less stress, High energy levels
c. Increase in the level of understanding in the relationship
d. None of the above

Series Navigation<< Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your LoveLesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles >>

Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries

What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?

Should I Have Boundaries in a Romantic Relationship?