Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles

If you are into psychology, once in a while, you must have come across social media content with terms like “anxious type” and “avoidant”. Today’s lesson is going to find out what it is all about and why it is important to learn.

What Are Attachment Styles?

In the 80s, there was one scientific experiment on how babies react if their mothers first leave them with a stranger and then come back after a couple of minutes. Curiously enough, it was noted that all reactions of the babies could fall into three different categories, which afterward was corrected to four. These categories are now known as attachment styles and explain adults’ behavior and reactions in relationships with their loved ones. These styles are Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized.

Secure Attachment Style

In simple words, this attachment represents a healthy secure, balanced behavior in relationships where individuals feel safe, valued, and connected while maintaining their independence. People with this style have a proper perception of self and others, comfort with closeness, and able to balance independence and intimacy accordingly. According to studies carried out at Princeton University, this is the most prevalent attachment style among the population (60%).

How Do You Get a Secure Attachment Type?

First, it is relevant to mention that attachment styles can change with time; it is not something you get through your DNA, but through things you have learned. The Secure type of attachment develops when a child’s caretakers offer a safe, comforting, and nurturing environment. Growing up in an environment where adults consistently respond to the needs of love, care, affection, and comfort, a child gets a sense of trust in the caregivers. They form a belief that their needs will be met and that they deserve love and care. Such children grow up feeling secure, acknowledged, and valued.

How Do You Behave if You Have a Secure Attachment Type?

In adulthood, people with secure attachment have faith in themselves and others, so they form and maintain strong emotional bonds with their partners. They are comfortable being intimate and can openly articulate their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Their communication is fluent and transparent; they actively engage in listening to their partners and express their own thoughts and feelings clearly.

A strong sense of self-esteem allows serure people to effectively deal with challenges and conflicts. They are comfortable expressing their emotions and often content with their relationships. They grow to become nurturing and attentive parents themselves. In essence, they embody the traits of a supportive, affectionate, and trusting partner.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Individuals with this type tend to rely on themselves and used to be emotionally independent, so they often struggle to establish intimate connections. As per the research findings of Princeton University, nearly 25% of people exhibit this type of attachment pattern.

How Do You Get an Avoidant Attachment Type?

Avoidant attachment is typically rooted in childhood experiences the care provided was inconsistent or dismissive. Parents or other caregivers were inaccessible, indifferent to the child’s needs, or negligent them. These experiences teach the young person that relying on others for comfort or assistance might not be dependable or safe. Consequently, they form autonomous coping mechanisms, suppress their emotional needs, and emphasize their independence. It is important to highlight that you don’t have to have evil cold parents to form this attachment. Just a couple of situations when you’ve been left alone, or received a negative reaction while seeking help are enough. Maybe you faced a situation when you had to mature too early. Therefore, avoidant patterns can emerge even in well-meaning families where parents are overly occupied with work and other commitments.

How Do You Behave if You Have an Avoidant Attachment Type?

People with this style usually keep themselves at a distance, shying away from deep emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They may find it challenging to express their emotions and seek support from others. They find it more manageable to solve problems single-handedly. An inherent fear of emotional closeness may lead them to create emotional barriers in relationships, feeling discomfort when there is too much emotional bonding. These individuals often don’t trust others easily due to the fear of emotional hurt or rejection.

Creating and sustaining deep emotional bonds is a burden for avoidants. Overwhelming closeness tends to make them uneasy, so they often keep serious relationships at arm’s length.

Anxious Attachment Type

People with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style are often driven by an intense need for intimacy and are haunted by fears of rejection or desertion. A PubMed study reveals that a scant 5% of individuals exhibit this kind of attachment pattern.

How Do You Get an Anxious Attachment Type?

An anxious attachment style typically takes root in childhood due to inconsistent caregiving. Caregivers’ responses to these children switch between nurturing and unresponsive, sometimes attentive and at other times dismissive or distant. These fluctuating responses make the child hypersensitive to perceived threats, fostering an increased sensitivity to signals of neglect or desertion. The child becomes anxious as they cannot anticipate the caregiver’s next reaction. Moreover, sometimes parents could burden their children with their emotional baggage, treating them as their friends or even therapists. These aspects can lead to the formation of anxious attachment patterns.

How Do You Behave if You Have an Anxious Attachment Type?

As adults, anxious attachment people often feel responsible for others’ emotions, which can result in codependency. They crave emotional intimacy and continual reassurance from their partners. They may demand constant attention and validation, living with the fear that their partners might abandon them. The sometimes unbearable fear of abandonment might make them overthink a lot and doubt their partner’s commitment. Their anxiety drives them to be fully dependent on their partners for validation, self-esteem, and emotional support.

For people with this attachment style, relationships can be a significant challenge. They tend to be jealous and insecure and have trouble articulating their needs. Consequently, they may exhibit possessiveness and passive-aggressive behavior, which can be draining for both partners.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Individuals with a disoriented or disorganized attachment style demonstrate characteristics of both anxious and avoidant types, leading to their behavior being highly unpredictable and exhibiting profound challenges in establishing trust with others. As per a report by Insider, this attachment style is seen in approximately 5% of the population.

How Do You Get a Disorganized Attachment Type?

The disorganized attachment style is generally formed when a child experiences their caregivers as both support and a source of fear. This disconcerting pattern usually emerges due to trauma, neglect, or abuse. The unpredictable conduct of caregivers leaves the child in a state of confusion, obstructing the formation of a stable bond with their parents.

How Do You Behave if You Have a Disorganized Attachment Type?

People with a disorganized attachment style often exhibit paradoxical behaviors: they fear the prospect of losing their partner but are simultaneously hesitant to permit them to get closer. They deeply yearn for an emotional bond but are intensely afraid of the potential hurt it might bring. Such individuals frequently encounter internal conflicts and exhibit conflicting behaviors. They are typically highly emotional and face challenges in maintaining emotional stability in their relationships. Significant fear of emotional pain often prompts them to adopt self-protective behaviors.

How Does the Attachment Type Make or Break Your Relationship?

The attachment style of each partner determines the direction in which the relationship may go. Without a doubt, a pair of securely attached individuals would create the most harmonious bond. However, a secure attachment style can also foster successful relationships with other types.

Secure Attachment Style

Securely attached individuals are typically empathetic and sensitive to their partners’ vulnerabilities. They are patient with an anxious partner, endeavoring to minimize their insecurities. These individuals are unlikely to feel overwhelmed by partners who tend to be clingy and are not deterred by the fear of rejection. This allows them to comprehend the needs of avoidant types and afford them the necessary space. Interestingly, secure individuals are even capable of interacting effectively with those who have a disorganized attachment style, counterbalancing their partner’s mood fluctuations and unpredictable behavior.

Anxious Attachment Style

Certainly, an ideal match for an anxiously attached individual would be someone with a secure attachment style. However, they could potentially cope with the inconsistent conduct of disorganized types. Specifically, they might find a kinship with their partner when they exhibit an anxious style of behavior. An avoidant type, however, would likely be the most challenging match for an anxious person, even though they often feel an initial attraction. Unfortunately, this combination often ends in disappointment, as the avoidant partner continually fuels the anxious partner’s insecurities.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Once more, a relationship with a securely attached individual would likely provide the most rewarding experience for someone with an avoidant attachment style. A bond with a disorganized attachment type may result in a roller-coaster relationship with alternating periods of peace and turmoil. The least favorable match for an avoidant individual would be an anxious type, as they may come off as overly dependent and bothersome. The avoidant partner, always feeling inadequate, will likely fail to provide the level of care and attention that the anxious partner seeks. It’s a troubling paradox that avoidant and anxious types often find each other initially appealing, yet their relationship is almost invariably doomed to fail.

Quiz: The Role of Attachment Types in Successful Relationships

What childhood environment typically results in a secure attachment style?

a. A challenging and competitive environment
b. An environment where the child is left to be self-sufficient
c. A safe, comforting, and nurturing environment
d. An environment where the child faces constant change and instability

How do individuals with an avoidant attachment style usually behave in relationships?

a. They fear abandonment and seek constant validation
b. They maintain an emotional distance and emphasize self-reliance
c. They are openly communicative and have high self-esteem
d. They exhibit paradoxical behaviors and struggle with emotional stability

What are the common behaviors of individuals with an anxious attachment style in relationships?

a. They yearn for an emotional bond but fear the potential hurt
b. They express their emotions openly and are comfortable with intimacy
c. They crave emotional intimacy, demand constant attention, and fear abandonment
d. They value self-reliance and struggle to establish intimate connections

What childhood experiences typically lead to a disorganized attachment style?

a. Caregivers who are consistently nurturing and comforting
b. Caregivers who foster independence and self-reliance
c. Caregivers who are both a source of support and a source of fear
d. Caregivers who expect premature independence and disapprove of the child seeking help

Why is a relationship between avoidant and anxious types often challenging, despite their initial appeal to each other?

a. The avoidant partner often fails to provide the level of care and attention that the anxious partner seeks
b. Both partners tend to be overly self-reliant and emotionally distant
c. Both partners have high self-esteem and don’t rely on each other for validation
d. Both partners yearn for emotional intimacy but are too fearful of potential hurt

That’s all for today! Next time we will learn how to identify your attachment type and fix its negative impact on your relationship.

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Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles

What Are Attachment Styles?