by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: Love Essentials: Identifying Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 2: Love Essentials: Fulfilling Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 3: Revealing Your Relationship Values for Meaningful Connections
- Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your Love
- Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries
- Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles
- Lesson 7: Finding Your Attachment Style
- Lesson 8: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner to Date Mindfully
- Lesson 9: How to Date with Confidence or Learning Your Strengths, Overcome Your Weaknesses
- Lesson 10: Defining and Achieving Your Relationship Goals
- Lesson 11: Breaking the Vicious Cycle or Identifying and Overcoming Past Relationship Patterns
In this lesson, we will talk about attachment styles a bit more. How to understand which one you have, and based on that build balanced relationships.
Are You Ready to Start the Attachment Style Investigation?
In the last lesson, we learned about the importance of knowing your attachment type in order to establish healthier relationships. Understanding your attachment style can provide deep insights into the kinds of partners you tend to choose as well as what behavior is typical for you.
This way, you get the power to create more mindful dating habits and eventually connect with a compatible partner on a deeper level. Below we want to give you some steps that will help you understand your attachment style.
Step 1. Connect to Your Childhood Memories
Think about the time you were a baby and your early childhood (especially the first two years of life). What were the relationships between you and the persons who took care of you back then? If your parents and relatives are no longer alive, you can recall any significant person who raised you in the past. Consider how they met your needs (if you can think of an example): were they consistent or inconsistent, and what emotions arise when you are thinking about it? Diving deep into these early experiences can yield significant cues about your attachment style. Ask your close acquaintances and family members about how you were cared for during your early years. Inquire about your behavioral tendencies as an infant – whether you cried when left alone by your parents, if their return pacified you, or if you displayed indifference upon their return.
Step 2. Check if You Have Repeated Patterns in Your Relationships
Conduct an introspective review of your relationships and identify any recurring themes. Do you find yourself needing constant reassurance and validation from a partner? Are you struggling with trusting people, or do you feel anxiety when your partner cannot be reached? Does it make you nervous to get too close with your spouse? Knowing these patterns can help a lot in understanding your attachment style. Compare your typical behavior with the descriptions of four types given in the previous lesson, and you will get your necessary clue.
Step 3. Evaluate Your Emotional Responses
Pay attention to how you feel in relationships. Do you find yourself constantly living with a deep sense of fear or concern that your partner will leave, betray you, or reject you? Are you uncomfortable with emotional intimacy or having trouble naming your needs? Your emotions can provide fantastic clues about your attachment style.
Step 4. Try Online Tests
While a comprehensive understanding of your attachment style can best be obtained through professional guidance, online tests can offer some help too. These tests can provide an initial understanding and valuable insight into your style.
How to Change Your Attachment Type?
Knowing that your attachment type can ruin your relationships over and over again, you probably start to think about how to fix it. The good news, these patterns are not given to you forever. Your attachment style, or how you act in relationships, can change. It can get better with personal growth, therapy, and new experiences. Spotting patterns in how you act is a big step. Instead of blaming your partner, you look at how your behavior might create problems. Here are some tips to help you in this way.
Learn More About Your Attachment Style
Read up more on your attachment style. You might start to see things you didn’t before.
Talk to a Therapist
It is good to consult with a therapist in order to change your behavior. Most likely during the sessions they help you to find out the deeper roots of your behavior, and navigate you through heavy issues.
Try Couples Therapy
It might be better to visit a therapist with your partner. In that way, both of you will learn how your actions affect your relationship. This also gives a safe place for talking about things that may be sensitive.
Learn From Others
Reach out to people who’ve already gone through this journey. The stories of people who have changed their attachment style might inspire you to action and give you ideas for guidance.
Look for Partners Who Are Secure
Try to find people who share your values and have a secure attachment style. Being in a relationship with someone secure can show you how to act. You can learn to trust by following their example. Over time, this can help you change any negative behavior.
Work on Your Self-Esteem
Feeling bad about yourself can worsen insecure behavior. Among the best ways to change it is to work on liking yourself more. Providing yourself with warmth and kindness you’ll start feeling better from within.
Be Patient
Changing your attachment style takes time. You’ll need to work on your behaviors and feelings. With a little persistence, you will begin to make changes.
Just Be You
Learn to show your feelings and be yourself. Some people with insecure attachment styles act like someone they’re not. But pretending can make you feel even more insecure. What if your partner does not like the real you? Be yourself right from the very beginning and letting your partner get to know the real you is better than wasting your time and energy on disguise.
Quiz: Know Your Attachment Type
- Which years of your life are particularly crucial for shaping your attachment style?
a. Teenage years
b. Middle age
c. Old age
d. Infancy and early childhood
- What should you consider when reflecting upon your relationships with caregivers?
a. How they responded to your needs and how it made you feel
b. The color of the clothes they wore
c. The food they cooked
d. The games they played with you
- Can your attachment style change over time?
a. No, it remains the same throughout life
b. Yes, it can change with personal growth, therapy, and new experiences
c. It can only change if you move to a different city
d. It only changes every seven years
That would be all for today! Keep watching for our next lesson as we will be discussing how to identify the attachment type of your partner and how to date the different attachment types.
Your Flisk
