by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: Love Essentials: Identifying Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 2: Love Essentials: Fulfilling Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 3: Revealing Your Relationship Values for Meaningful Connections
- Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your Love
- Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries
- Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles
- Lesson 7: Finding Your Attachment Style
- Lesson 8: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner to Date Mindfully
- Lesson 9: How to Date with Confidence or Learning Your Strengths, Overcome Your Weaknesses
- Lesson 10: Defining and Achieving Your Relationship Goals
- Lesson 11: Breaking the Vicious Cycle or Identifying and Overcoming Past Relationship Patterns
In this lesson, we will learn how to make out the attachment style of your partner and get some tips on how to date them based on their type.
Now that you’ve learned how you attach to people, and how to work on it, it’s time to deal with the second part of the equation – your partner.
Figuring Out Your Partner’s Attachment Style
Understanding the attachment style of your partner can give you deep insight into their emotional patterns and the way they act. Again, don’t forget that these attachment styles usually are products of childhood experiences, so it’s important not to be judgmental. However, gaining such intimate knowledge about your partner requires a profound level of trust. Thus, it might be beneficial to reserve these questions for deeper, more comfortable stages of your relationship, such as after several dates.
Exploring Their Childhood Experiences
Probing into your partner’s early childhood can illuminate their attachment style. Individuals classified with a secure attachment style talk about their childhood in a balanced way, recalling the good and the bad times. Those who develop an avoidant or disorganized attachment style tend to avoid talking about their childhood in general and show discomfort when one tries to ask them about it as it may recall painful memories. Meanwhile, those with anxious attachment styles will willingly discuss their past but may exhibit anxiety in their narratives and an overt concern with making a positive impression.
Understanding Their Sources of Support
Inquiring about your partner’s support systems, particularly during their formative years, can be revealing. People with secure attachments can readily identify their childhood supporters. However, those with other attachment styles may display lingering hurt or uncertainty about who provided them with emotional support.
Unpacking Their Breakup Histories
Finally, understanding how your partner navigated past relationship breakups can offer significant clues. Those with secure attachments can objectively evaluate their past relationships, accepting both the positives and negatives. Meanwhile, individuals with anxious attachment styles may still harbor intense negative emotions or pain from past breakups. Those with other attachment styles may resort to self-protective tactics, appearing unwilling to delve into such discussions.
How to Date Specific Attachment Styles?
Partners with Avoidant Attachment Style
First of all, if you ever get to date an avoidant person, you need to understand that personal space is important for them from time to time. That is just the way it goes and it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship. When they distance themselves, remain patient, and refrain from pursuing them; they’ll return after their break.
Bear in mind their sensitivity towards criticism. Therefore, frame any negative feelings as constructive requests, focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship and avoiding overly critical commentary. Avoid manipulation or demands, as this could incite fear, causing them to retreat further. As these individuals are often intimidated by intense emotions and insecurity, it’s crucial to regulate your feelings when broaching sensitive topics. Always reassure them of the value of your relationship before initiating such discussions.
This process may be challenging and might require seeking emotional support from friends or family. However, patience and understanding will go a long way in facilitating your partner’s transition towards healthier behaviors.
Engaging with Anxiously Attached Partners
Partners with anxious attachment styles seek continual reassurances about the status of the relationship. Hence, fostering a sense of security becomes paramount. Practice open communication about your feelings and needs, encouraging your partner to express their thoughts freely. Practice active listening, refraining from judgment or interruption, to create a safe space for them to share.
Regularly express how you love and care about them even if you think it’s unnecessary. No matter how much love you show them through your actions, they are still craving constant reassurance. By keeping your promises, always nurture the trust that was such an ordeal to establish. Engaging with an anxiously attached partner requires patience and understanding. However, it’s crucial to remember not to compromise your comfort and prioritize your needs alongside theirs.
Handling Disorganized Attachment Partners
Dating someone with a disorganized attachment style will present its unique challenges. To navigate this relationship, be prepared to exercise extreme patience and understanding. Their behavior may appear erratic and inconsistent, making it difficult to establish a solid bond.
Communication will play a critical role in this relationship. Displaying an ability to discuss feelings openly and non-judgmentally will encourage your partner to express their feelings more freely. Understand that their behavior often stems from a profound fear and insecurity. By acknowledging their emotions and demonstrating trustworthiness, you can help them feel more secure in your relationship.
However, if contradictory behaviors persist, despite maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic, it might make sense to seek professional help together to address these issues.
Exercise: Think about the attachment type of your partner. Do they have some patterns of particular types? How can you improve your relationship knowing his or her patterns?
Quiz: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner
- What’s a critical approach when dealing with a partner who has an anxious attachment style?
a. Providing them with occasional space
b. Frequently expressing love and care
c. Avoiding discussions about feelings
d. Encouraging inconsistent behavior
- For a person with a disorganized attachment style, what could be a significant source of their behavior?
a. Profound fear and insecurity
b. A need for constant reassurances
c. A balanced recollection of their childhood
d. A sensitivity towards criticism
- If your partner with a disorganized attachment style continues to exhibit contradictory behaviors despite a healthy relationship, what could be a helpful step?
a. Ignore their behavior
b. Demand more space in the relationship
c. Discuss their childhood more often
d. Seek professional help together to address the issue
- Which attachment style is typically sensitive to criticism and may respond better to constructive requests?
a. Secure attachment
b. Avoidant attachment
c. Anxious attachment
d. Disorganized attachment
- When dating a person with an avoidant attachment style, what is one behavior to expect and respect from them?
a. They will need the reassurance of your love and care often
b. They will display erratic and inconsistent behavior
c. They will require space and distance themselves at times
d. They will readily discuss their past, including breakups.
That’s all for today! Stay tuned for our next lesson, where we will talk about your strong and weak points in dating.
Your Flisk
