by Daria Yermashkevich 
- Lesson 1: Love Essentials: Identifying Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 2: Love Essentials: Fulfilling Your Relationship Needs
- Lesson 3: Revealing Your Relationship Values for Meaningful Connections
- Lesson 4: Beyond Compromise: How Non-Negotiables Influence Your Love
- Lesson 5: The Power of Boundaries
- Lesson 6: Introduction to The Attachment Styles
- Lesson 7: Finding Your Attachment Style
- Lesson 8: Know the Attachment Type of Your Partner to Date Mindfully
- Lesson 9: How to Date with Confidence or Learning Your Strengths, Overcome Your Weaknesses
- Lesson 10: Defining and Achieving Your Relationship Goals
- Lesson 11: Breaking the Vicious Cycle or Identifying and Overcoming Past Relationship Patterns
No one is perfect. But when it comes to dating, confidence plays a huge role. That’s why in this lesson, you will find out how to identify and use your strong and weak sides, what to work on in yourself, which qualities you still need to develop, and from which you better get rid of.
What Qualities Can Lead You to Successful Relationships?
While everyone and every relationship is different, here are a few qualities most people find attractive in potential partners:
- Be emotionally intelligent. People with Good self-regulation are able to manage their own feelings and are capable of picking up on emotional cues from others.
- Know how to communicate well. Good communication skills mean you have not only the ability to articulate your thoughts, feelings, needs, concerns clearly and respectfully, but also listen to and respond to your partner with empathy.
- Be patient. Patience keeps a person composed and stoic during disputes or hard times that are sometimes inevitable in every relationship, helping to maintain a more peaceful dynamic.
- Be stable and resilient. Resilience means a person can more easily bounce back from difficulties and are less likely to resent or hold grudges for long after some kind of conflict.
- Be reliable. A reliable partner is one who will uphold commitments and show up when needed for the other partner, which adds to the feeling of security in the relationship.
- Have a sense of humor. A good sense of humor can make dates fun and help diffuse tension. It’s often associated with intelligence and creativity, too.
- Be confident. Confidence is attractive, and it helps in approaching others, expressing interest, and dealing with rejection or conflict. Confidence generally comes from self-acceptance and realizing both your strengths and areas that need improvement.
- Be kind. According to multiple studies, kindness is one of the most desirable traits in a partner. And no wonder! Sincere concern and thoughtful behavior can build a long-lasting connection.
- Be self-sufficient. Having your own interests and independence can be attractive. It shows that a person lives a full and interesting life, which is inspiring and exciting.
Exercise: Take some time to review these qualities. Which of them do you possess? How would you scale your mastery of every quality from 1 to 10? Do you consider these qualities important for dating?
Exercise: What Are Your Strengths in Dating?
Step 1. Self-reflection
Go to a quiet place, sit comfortably, and stay alone. Give yourself the time to reflect on your past relationships or dates.
Ask yourself:
- When have I felt most fulfilled and happy in a relationship or while dating?
- What positive traits or behaviors was I demonstrating at that time?
- What positive feedback have I received from past partners or dates?
- What did I do well?
- What did my partners appreciate about me?
- What qualities or actions of mine have helped resolve conflicts or strengthened the relationship?
- What are the qualities about myself that I am proud of in a relationship or dating scenario?
These can be clues to your strengths.
Step 2. Ask for Feedback
If you feel comfortable, ask friends or even ex-partners for their perspectives on what they see as your strengths in a relationship or dating scenario.
Step 3. Journaling
Regularly writing about your feelings and experiences can provide insights over time. Look for patterns in behavior when you felt confident, received positive feedback, or achieved the results you wanted. Try writing a third-person description of yourself, just about your strengths and positive qualities in a relationship or in dating. Just think about how you would explain yourself to a friend. What do you admire about yourself? What would make you a good partner? Write as much detail as possible.
Step 4. Affirmation
Now, write a few positive affirmations based on your strengths. For example: if you are a good listener, reflect it in your affirmation and constantly remind yourself about it: “I am an attentive person and a very good listener”.
How to Develop Strengths in Dating?
Once you have identified some of the qualities you want but don’t have yet, here’s what you do:
- Educate yourself more. Read books, listen to podcasts, or take courses on relationships, communication, emotional intelligence, or any other relevant topic to expand the knowledge and skillset on the matter.
- Try therapy or coaching. If you experience some sort of inner conflict or have overwhelming emotions that cause a behavior you can’t control, it’s better to try therapy to get personal guidance and overcome the issue. Personal or group coaching on the other hand can help you to see your blind spots, develop new skills, and monitor your progress.
- Practice empathy. Empathy could be learned by listening to someone’s struggles without judgment, trying to understand their perspective, or offering words of support, such as “I can see how that must be really hard for you” or “I’m here if you need to talk.”
- Develop communication skills: Practice expressing your feelings and thoughts openly and clearly, and develop your listening skills. It may be helpful to learn about and practice techniques for healthy conflict resolution.
- Work on emotional regulation. Learn how to manage your emotions effectively by using techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and cognitive reframing.
- Practice patience and kindness. You do so by paying a genuine compliment, holding the door for someone, or simply listening to a friend in need. Little gestures like smiling at a stranger or sending a nice message can open your heart and fill you with positive energy.
- Seek positive role models. Look for relationships around you that seem healthy and successful. Observe and learn from these individuals, and look at how they interact with their partners.
- Stay committed to growth. Finally, understand that developing strengths is a lifelong journey. Stay open to learning and growing, and remember to be patient with yourself.
What Are Weaknesses in a Relationship?
While there are some traits which most people tend to consider weaknesses in a relationship, it is better to consider them as areas for growth rather than negative features of your personality or your dating style. Here are some common traits that can cause a person to fail in dating over and over again:
- Acting defensive. The defensive person might resist feedback and criticism, thus, they may not accept their mistakes or work on further improvement.
- Be insecure. Insecurity harbors jealousy, neediness, and the desire to be continuously reassured and legitimized by a partner. This by all means strains the relationship.
- Poor communication skills. Poor communication skills would include an inability to express feelings and needs, inability to listen, and avoidance of issues and conflict.
- Be impulsive. Impulsive people might do whatever comes into their heads and may never think about their partner or what consequences it would lead to in a relationship, hence bringing about constant fights and instability.
- Unresolved personal issues. Personal unresolved issues could be trauma or any personal issue regarding mental health. When unresolved, this could affect the person negatively in continuing a healthy relationship.
- Dishonesty. This can be through lying or deception, and this could eventually lead to loss of trust, which is the foundation of any relationship.
- Lack of empathy. A lack of empathy can create distance and misunderstandings in a relationship, leading to feelings of isolation and disconnection.
- Controlling behavior. A person who tries to control their partner usually creates an imbalance of power that may lead to resentment, conflicts, and distrust.
- Lack of effort or commitment. Long-term relationships require work, and individuals who can’t or don’t want to make the effort to commit may find maintaining a successful relationship very difficult.
- Negativity or pessimism. Having a negative or pessimistic attitude toward life can certainly drain the partner and cloud the relationship.
Exercise: Identify Your Relationship Weaknesses
Identifying weaknesses in dating can be a challenging but ultimately rewarding process. Though it is way less pleasurable than thinking about your strengths, please, do it. You will be grateful for every minute spent on this exercise.
Step 1: Self-reflection
Devote this time to yourself. Breathe calmly and let yourself be honest and accepting.
Ask yourself:
- In which relationships or dating scenarios have I felt most unsatisfied or unhappy?
- What behaviors or attitudes was I displaying during those times?
- Have I received consistent negative feedback or comments from different partners or dates?
- Have there been recurring issues or conflicts in my past relationships or dates? What role did I play in those?
- Are there any patterns of behavior that I can identify that may have contributed to the end of previous relationships?
Step 2: Journaling
Write about your past relationship or bad date that didn’t exactly turn out as well as it could have. Try to recall it as objectively as possible, focusing on your own actions and reactions. What would you do differently?
Step 3: Feedback from Others
If you don’t mind, call friends, family, and even ex-partners that you trust and ask their opinion. Ask them to share what they think may be your weaknesses or areas for improvement in dating. Be open to whatever they may say, and add it to your reflections.
Step 4: Identify Patterns and Themes
Review the feedback you gathered and look for common themes or recurring issues. These are likely areas where you could improve. Write down these patterns and themes.
Step 5: Create a Plan for Improvement
Next to each weakness in your list, write down one or two tangible actions you can take to start improving this area. This may involve going to therapy or coaching, researching the subject matter yourself, or practicing new behaviors.
Keep in mind this is not an exercise in beating your head against the wall over past mistakes, but an exercise in viewing it, learning from it, and making positive changes for the future. Be kind to yourself and patient during this process.
That’s all for today! Stay tuned for our next lesson, where we will talk about your dating goals.
Your Flisk
