Week 5. How Learning to Listen Can Help You Become More Successful in Dating

Learning to be a good listener can change your dating game and make you stand out from the selfish crowd. The majority of people focus too much on how they look and what they say instead of listening to their dates. Although this sounds logical as we all want to look nice, but, in fact, this is exactly what creates too much pressure on us and prevents us from being truly attractive.

By changing the focus of your attention from yourself to your partner, you will become more relaxed and look more interested. And the truth is we all like people who are interested in us, so by mastering the listening skill, you will naturally become more attractive to potential dates.

So, next time you go on a date try to stop thinking how you look and instead pay more attention to what your partner says. Show you have genuine interest and try to comprehend how this person sees the world and what they want to tell you.

And now, what are the perks you get from being a better listener?

Advantages of Mastering Active Listening

In everyday talk:

Listening helps us “get” each other. It’s like tuning into a radio station clearly, without all the static. You really understand what’s being said.
People feel valued when listened to. Imagine having a conversation where you truly feel seen and heard. It builds trust and makes you feel important.
Less drama! Many misunderstandings happen because we don’t really catch what the other person’s saying. By truly listening, you dodge these pitfalls.
Better chats. When you listen, your responses are on point. The conversation flows better and feels more meaningful.

Now, in the dating world:

Deep connections. By genuinely listening to your date, you get to understand their dreams, jokes, and little quirks. It makes the bond between you two stronger.
Showing you care. There’s nothing sexier than giving a spotlight to a person and showing you’re genuinely interested in their stories and feelings.
Sorting out the right match. When you listen carefully right from the beginning of dating you can easily spot red flags or simply that some values of your date do not align with yours.
Smooth sailing through rough times. Good listening skills can help you navigate conflicts successfully.

How Active Listening Makes You More Attractive

Good listening skills indeed make you more attractive. Here’s how:

It creates a positive aura. Individuals who listen well often exude a calm, attentive, and kind demeanor. This positive aura can be deeply attractive.
It encourages reciprocity. When you listen actively, that other person is likely to return the attention to create a two-way connection. Mutual understanding and connection enhance perceived attractiveness.
It reflects the depth of character. Being a good listener suggests that you’re thoughtful, introspective, and considerate – qualities many find appealing.
It highlights empathy. An active listener can empathize, thus making the other person feel “seen” and “heard.” Empathy is a very attractive characteristic as it signals that a person is kind and understands others.
It showcases confidence. Being comfortable enough to listen, without feeling the need to dominate the conversation or steer it constantly, indicates confidence. And confidence, as we know, is attractive.
It promotes authenticity. People are drawn to authenticity. When you actually listen you are present in that moment of time showing how much you really care about what is said. It makes you more authentic and, therefore, desirable.

How Active Listening Makes Your Relationship More Intimate

Active listening is a powerful tool in building and strengthening relationships. Let’s explore why:

1. Validates Feelings and Emotions

Active listening is not only about hearing the words and comprehending what the person is talking about. Otherwise, that would be too easy. It’s about the emotions behind the words and understanding them. If you do so, it makes your partner feel safe, secure, and validated.

2. Demonstrates Care and Concern

Demonstration of care and concern makes a person feel valued and special. As listening attentively takes time, it shows that you value and are able to invest it in the thoughts and feelings of the person you talk to.

3. Reduces Misunderstandings

Misconceptions and misunderstandings tear relationships apart. If you listen to someone attentively, then you are guaranteed not to miss the message of the speaker, which in turn reduces the chances of conflict and gathers trust.

4. Encourages Vulnerability

The whole point is that when someone is listened to, they are most likely to open up and share personal stories of their fears, dreams, and concerns. This vulnerability is essential for building intimacy.

5. Creates a Non-Judgmental Space

Active listening involves withholding one’s immediate reactions or judgments and giving freedom to the speaker. Feeling unjudged encourages trust and deeper sharing.

6. Enhances Emotional Connection

By recognizing and responding to the emotions behind words, active listening fosters an emotional bond. Over time, this emotional connection deepens intimacy.

7. Reinforces Safety in Communication

Knowing one can communicate without being interrupted, put down, or avoided generates a sense of safety around communications. Where fear does not occur in communicating, trust can build up.

8. Shows Respect

Active listening demonstrates respect for the perspective of the speaker when an individual may disagree. Being treated as one worthy of respect is possibly the most basic level on which trust can be established.

9. Fosters Reciprocal Sharing

In this case, when one feels they’ve been heard, then they would be much more willing to listen actively in response too. In this process, the way is clear for mutual intimacy and trust.

10. Promotes Problem-Solving

During times of conflict and disagreement, active listening can clearly identify base causes and collectively work out a solution. Such joint problem-solving strengthens the trust.

Top Communication Barriers That Prevent You From Being a Good Listener

Several barriers can impede our ability to listen effectively. Let’s dive into these common listening barriers in dating and how to manage them:

1. Preconceived Notions and Biases

What They Are:

Preconceived notions are the beliefs or ideas we possess about a person or an entity before gathering substantial information that could either prove the belief true or not. Biases, on the other hand, constitute unconscious beliefs formed in our minds through society, family, culture, and other external influences that may affect perception and judgment.

Impact on Dating:

When dating, these can cause us to make snap judgments or assume things about our date that may not be accurate. For instance, thinking someone is “not your type” based on a superficial trait can hinder a deeper connection.

How to Manage:

Self-awareness: Recognize and accept that you have biases. Reflect on them and challenge them.
Keep an open mind: Enter each date with a fresh perspective, ready to get to know the individual for who they truly are.
Ask questions: Before making assumptions, ask questions to get clarity.

2. Environmental Distractions

What They Are:

These include external factors such as noisy restaurants, interruptions from phone notifications, or even people-watching.

Impact on Dating:

Although sometimes we have no power over such destruction, it’s important to consider them as they can break the flow of a conversation and signal to your date that you’re not fully engaged or interested in them.

How to Manage:

Avoid loud spots: For the first dates, choose the venues where you can talk with each other without shouting or straining to hear.
Limit tech distractions: It is better to put your phone on silent mode and avoid it during the date. Sure, you may have an addiction and want to peek at your phone, but it is a sign of disrespect and most likely it’ll irritate your potential partner, even when he/she politely says they do not mind.
Body positioning: If you get distracted easily, sit in a position where you will be able to minimize distractions, for example, sit with your back to any busy pathway rather than face it.

3. Emotional Disturbances

What They Are:

These are internal feelings of emotional reactions which can prevent us from effectively listening. They might be due to low self-esteem, some past traumas in relationships, or even a bad day at work.

Impact on Dating:

The emotional disturbances thus cause misunderstandings, defensiveness, and overreactions on dates. An innocent casual comment by your date may act like a red flag to an old memory buried inside you and bring on an emotional response that has nothing to do with the current situation.

How to Manage:

Self-awareness: The ability to recognize if one is emotionally charged and attempt to find the cause.
Take a moment: It’s absolutely all right when one is overwhelmed and needs some time to clear their head. Feel free to step outside and visit the restroom if needed.
Open Communication: Share with your date your feelings, if comfortable. It may draw both parties closer to understanding and empathizing with each other.
Seek help: Sometimes therapist or coach is a great option to fix the inner conflict that outcries еру the person who’s trying to talk to you.

By recognizing and addressing these barriers, you can change yourself and become a more attentive and effective listener, enhancing the quality of your dates and potential relationships. Remember, everyone struggles with these barriers at one point or another. The key is self-awareness and a strong desire for change.

Lesson 2. How to Master Active Listening and Become More Successful in Dating

And now, let’s go straight to practice and learn to be more attentive to our partners. First, we have some practical tips for you to follow on your next date.

6 Tips to Become a Better Listener Today

1. Don’t Spend Much Time on Small Talk

Small talk is nice but useless. If you want to listen and understand a real person in front of you, ask questions that show people’s values and beliefs. You can check some good question ideas online and have some on your mind before you go on a date.

2. Be Ready to Lead the Conversation

To avoid awkward pauses and silence, you can create some sort of a conversation plan before you go on a date. Those can be question ideas or situations that you want to discuss.

3. Ask for Advice

If you don’t feel like asking questions directly, you can ask for help or advice in some of your life situations. Listen carefully to the answer, because it can show you how your partner typically reacts to particular life challenges and can also shed some light on her or his values.

4. Ask for Opinion

Another way to avoid direct questions is to find a story or piece of news that you can discuss with your partner. By listening to their opinion on particular things, you can learn more about their views and values.

5. Listen, listen, listen

Asking a good question is only the beginning. Remember that now you have to listen carefully to what your partner says and try to understand their point of view avoiding judgment and too fast conclusions. Think if the answer resonates with you and how you see the world. Also, pay attention to how the person is ready to share with you and how they respond to your values and ideas. All these signs are very important and can be easily missed if you focus on yourself more than on your partner.

6. Stop waiting for your turn to talk

If you think for a while, you will notice that most people on a date wait for their turn to talk. Very often we start to formulate an answer even before our partner stops talking. As a result, we are not that focused on what people say and most likely don’t really understand them completely.

Keep these easy tips in mind, and we promise that you will be valued by your partner for your sincere interest and kind nature.

Exercise to Become a Better Listener

Now, we will learn to support the conversation. For this exercise, we use the ideas of sociologist Charles Derber and behavioral scientist Logan Ury. The idea is that better conversationalists are more apt to give support responses than shift responses while talking. What does it mean?

A shift response switches the focus of the conversation from your partner to you. For example, your partner says “I was on vacation in Spain this summer”. Your shift response can look like you continue the topic, but, in fact, you take the attention back to yourself. You could answer something like “I’ve been there X times. I like this and that there. Oh, I remember a funny story that happened to me…”

A supportive response, to the contrast, keeps the conversation flowing around your partner. In this case, you could try finding out some more details by asking questions like “Did you travel alone?” or “What did you like the most?” Such responses let your partner feel valued and interesting to you. Your date will surely appreciate your sincere attention.

Here are 10 techniques you can use to make a supportive response:

1. Pay Full Attention

Maintain eye contact without staring, signaling you’re engaged. Also, avoid interruptions and let the speaker finish before you respond.

2. Show That You’re Listening

Nod Occasionally: Acknowledge you’re following along.
Use Small Verbal Comments: Like “uh-huh”, “I see”, or “go on”.
React Appropriately: Smile, frown, or express emotions that match the conversation.
Repeat some words of the partner. “We went to Roma” – “You went to Roma!”

3. Provide Feedback

Reflect: “So, what I’m hearing is…”
Ask Questions: “What did you mean when you said…?”

4. Don’t Jump to Conclusions

Avoid finishing the speaker’s sentences or assuming you know what they’ll say next.

5. Avoid Personal Bias

Keep your judgments and opinions in check until you’ve fully understood the speaker’s viewpoint.

6. Clarify Points

Ask Open-Ended Questions: “How did that make you feel?”
Ask Specific Questions: “When did this happen?”
Rephrase for Clarification: “Are you saying that…?”

7. Empathize

Try to understand the emotions and feelings of the speaker. “It sounds like you were really hurt by that.”

8. Practice Silence

Sometimes, just letting the speaker talk without interrupting or immediately responding can be powerful.

9. Take Short Mental Notes

If you fear you’ll forget a point but don’t want to interrupt the flow, make a quick mental note and return to it later.

10. Limit Distractions

If possible, ensure the environment is conducive to listening. Turn off the TV, put away the phone, or choose a quieter location if needed.

And now let’s practice supportive answers. We will give you some situations below. Provide your ideas on how you can show your interest in your partner’s words.

“I decided to change my job”.

Your response______________________

“I quarreled with my mother yesterday”.

Your response______________________

“I saw a cool speaker on Ted Talks yesterday”.

Your response______________________

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Week 5. How Learning to Listen Can Help You Become More Successful in Dating