by Barbara Anderson Breaking up is a painful and complicated process with tears, reproachers, and hard feelings. The most unpleasant thing is that this process requires two people, so there is no ability to avoid a faithful conversation.
You need all your courage to tell another person that you want to break up. On the other side, you couldn’t prepare to hear this fact from someone who you liked. As often occurs we offer our partners to become friends after breaking up if we want to ease the pain or we have warm feelings for this person.
Friends after breaking up: what does it mean?
As a rule, when a guy just wants to be friends after dating he means that he likes your personality, sense of humor, your way of time spending and talking, and at the same time doesn’t have romantic feelings. It sounds great but almost unreal in usual life. Cases when two persons are calm, rational, and without romantic attraction to each other are very rare. After breaking up someone can continue to hope that one day a partner will change her or his mind and get back together. This ability is the most dangerous for such a kind of friendship. Whenever you meet as friends at the bar there is a risky moment: a few glasses of wine, accidental touch, something led to another, and… It can be a sad and tricky situation.
So, before you offer friendship to your partner or agree with him or her proposal to be just friends ask yourself several questions.
Can you control your romantic feelings?
People can’t control their emotions and don’t want to give up on their feelings. It is a fact. If you still love your partner you will be forced to hide your feelings whenever you see her or him. You couldn’t kiss him or her, couldn’t touch as you always do. Just imagine it. Every time you will hope to get a chance to return your relationships and your subconscious will work in this way. If you asked to stay friends you should remember that your “new” friend has romantic feelings and can be a moment when these feelings will be displayed. What you will do? It is hard for you two.
What feeling hides under their actions?
It is normal when friends support each other, they take care of you when you are ill, entertain, when you are sad, give you presents, and more. If you are friends with your ex, you can get mixed signals. So, figure out what is their motivation? Are you sure that the feelings have changed and he or she prepares dinner or walks your dog when you can’t do it as your friend or because they love you? Figure out with this question if you don’t want to suffer.
Are you sure that hope is gone?
Avoid fixating on your ex: doing this you will break your life and don’t return his or her love. If you hope that time is passed and he or she will change her/his mind, you shouldn’t agree to be friends after breaking up. This person wants to go forward and be with someone else. Give yourself a chance for future and happy relationships. When you are fixated on the ex, you can’t meet new partners: you shouldn’t rely upon someone distract you from your thoughts, how we see in movies. So, if you can’t say that your hope is gone, you can’t be friends with your ex.
On the other hand, if you offer friendship to your ex, you can feel guilty whenever you see him or her alone. Don’t be selfish, and say directly that you offer just friendship without any hope.
Do you really need this friendship?
If you really want to be friends with your ex, you shouldn’t ask him or her out for coffee the next day after your breakup. You both need time to get used to your new status, cool your emotions, and find new partners. It should be time without calls, emails, and messages. There is no exact time when you can meet and try to talk, it can be several months or half a year. After this time you will understand do you need this person in your life, or it was just your whim.
Can you resist physical attraction?
Physical attraction is a tricky thing, you can meet your school love on your class reunion when you are 40 years old and your feelings will be still here. So, face it, its attraction can stay with you and you should control it when you will spend time with your ex as friends. You can minimize chances to find yourself in his or her bedroom if you will avoid risky situations. For example:
- you with several friends on football or baseball match: low level of risk;
- just you and your ex at the coffee shop at your lunchtime: low level of risk;
- dinner with several friends: medium level of risk;
- meeting at the bar after work: high level of risk;
- party or late-night drink when there is just you two: warning!
Just try to be sober when meeting with your ex, alcohol can destroy all everything you’ve worked for in these relationships. Even if you go to this meeting with your new partners or with all your friends you can say something extra when you are drunk. You don’t need it.
Can you keep a distance?
You both should set boundaries and respect the feelings and new partners of each other. If you are not lovers, just friends you shouldn’t talk about your intimate feelings and special themes. Before you say something, ask yourself can you share this information with other friends.
You should change not only your themes of conversations but also your body language. It is a very important and remarkable thing. Think about the way you greet each other and talk. You can stay too close, touch each other in an intimate manner or vice versa, avoid each other in the company, or be tense in conversation. Analyze your behavior and don’t be afraid to discuss it with your ex.
Is it a good idea to be friends after a breakup?
Sometimes you really can be good friends with your ex, for example, you both grew out of this relationship, you feel gratitude and respect for each other. Your decision about breakup was mutual, and now you both have a new relationship. In this context, you can try to keep good relations and be just friends.
So, when you honestly answered all these questions you understand that to be friends after a breakup is a hard-working process and don’t use these words to soften the blow. When a guy just wants to be friends after dating, ask him, what he means, maybe he just tries to be nice with you.
