by Daria Yermashkevich Mindful dating and seeking a life partner can feel like an overwhelming task, given the seemingly infinite options available and the multitude of factors to consider. However, a key strategy to navigate this intricate journey, along with evaluating your relationship needs and attachment patterns, is to identify your non-negotiables in a relationship. Non-negotiables are essential traits or behaviors in a potential partner that, if absent or present, would make a relationship unacceptable to you. And this is exactly what we are going to deal with right now. Let’s go!
Understanding Non-Negotiables
Non-negotiables are unalterable factors in a relationship that you cannot compromise on. They can range from a potential partner’s personality traits, such as humor, open-mindedness, or independence, to shared values and beliefs like political or religious inclinations. Non-negotiables might also involve lifestyle choices or future objectives. Identifying and enforcing these non-negotiable things in a relationship is vital to ensure fulfillment and satisfaction. In fact, they can protect you from settling for less than you deserve.
Non-negotiables in a relationship are often closely tied to an individual’s personality traits, life values, political or religious beliefs, and life goals. Here are some examples:
- Personality Traits: Personality traits often shape what we need and expect from a relationship. Introverted individuals may view personal space and quiet time as non-negotiables, while extroverts may need regular social activities as part of their relationship non-negotiables. In both cases, these non-negotiables can be important aspects of the individual’s personality and can help maintain their mental well-being. These non-negotiables in a relationship are largely influenced by our personality, including MBTI and Enneagram types.
- Life Values: A person’s values dictate their behavior, decisions, and overall view on life. In the context of relationships, these values can influence what they consider non-negotiable. For example, if for some people honesty is a highly valued trait, they would consider deceit or lying as non-negotiable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. Similarly, if an individual values family, they may require a partner who also shares this priority. In this regard, it is crucial to understand your core values.
- Political or Religious Beliefs: Strong political or religious beliefs often translate into non-negotiables in relationships. These beliefs can shape a person’s worldview, and they might require a partner who either shares these beliefs or at least respects them. For instance, individuals with strong political leanings may not be willing to partner with someone who fundamentally opposes their views. Similarly, religious beliefs can define dietary habits, rituals, and lifestyle choices, which can be non-negotiables for some people.
- Life Goals: Our life goals, including career aspirations, family planning, or personal growth targets, are often tied into relationship non-negotiables. For example, if a person’s life goal is to travel and experience different cultures, they might need a partner who shares or at least supports this ambition. Conversely, someone who prioritizes stability and routine may require a partner who also values these aspects.
In essence, non-negotiables are a reflection of who we are as individuals – our personality traits, life values, political or religious beliefs, and life goals. By acknowledging and expressing these non-negotiables in dating, we can ensure that we remain true to ourselves while also promoting healthy and compatible partnerships.
The Imperfection Paradox
While it’s essential to have non-negotiables, it’s equally crucial to realize that there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ partner. What’s ‘perfect’ for you will change as you evolve over time. The perfect partner is not someone who matches a specific criterion but someone with whom you experience harmony.
Is It Fine to Have Non-Negotiables in a Relationship?
Both negotiable and non-negotiable aspects are integral to a healthy relationship. The balance between them hinges on each partner’s ability to adapt and create a comfortable space for the other to flourish.
Non-negotiables ensure emotional and physical security by fostering open and healthy communication about each partner’s needs and desires. These non-negotiables should never be perceived as ego-driven demands. Here’s a list of some popular non-negotiables in a relationship that might resonate with you as well.
- Consistently engage in deep, meaningful conversations that inspire growth and understanding.
- Eagerly look forward to the moments of intimacy, cherishing the closeness and connection with your partner.
- Experience a strong sense of love, respect, and appreciation, fostering a nourishing environment for the relationship.
- Uphold and respect each other’s individual interests, encouraging personal growth and individuality.
- Regularly perform acts of kindness for one another, nurturing a culture of care and generosity in your relationship.
- Collaborate in managing household responsibilities, signifying equality and mutual respect.
- Cultivate an unwavering admiration for your partner, acknowledging their strengths and contributions.
- Make your partner the first recipient of your exciting news, underlining the importance of their place in your life.
- Trust your partner without reservations, laying the foundation for a strong, stable relationship.
- Continually express love for your partner, reminiscent of the affection and tenderness you had when your relationship first blossomed.
- Maintain a passionate engagement with each other, keeping the flame of desire and attraction alive.
- Show respect for each other’s families, a demonstration of your regard for the individuals who shape your partner’s life.
- Engage in open discussions about finances and jointly manage monetary matters, signifying trust and cooperation.
- Plan your future together, a sign of commitment and shared aspirations.
- Support your partner in public situations.
- Actively refrain from any form of abusive behavior, ensuring a safe and respectful environment for both.
- Strive to be your partner’s best friend, providing a strong emotional connection, trust, and support.
Your list of non-negotiables can be as detailed as above or more concise and just based on your relationship needs and core values. For example, it can include as brief as this:
- Commitment
- Humor
- Independence
- Passion
- Honesty
- Growth and ambition
- Open communication
- No jealousy
- Religion
- Family
How to Identify Your Non-Negotiables in Dating?
Relationship non-negotiables can be identified through the process of introspection and prioritization. Here’s a step-by-step guide to doing it:
Step 1. Reflect on your values and needs
Spend some time introspecting about what you want from a relationship. It could be trust, respect, emotional intimacy, shared interests, or lifestyle compatibility. You can check our article on relationship needs to better understand what exactly you want and expect from relationships. Understanding these things can assist in crafting a list of non-negotiables.
Step 2. Prioritize your non-negotiables
Not every emotional need is non-negotiable. Striving for a perfect thing you may end up being alone, as perfection is hardly possible to reach. However, you can get something truly perfect for you. So, prioritize your needs and values, pick those that are crucial for your happiness and well-being, and then you will be able to make a list of non-negotiables in a relationship.
When identifying non-negotiables, one might worry that being too specific might shrink their dating pool considerably. While it’s true that having too many non-negotiables can restrict your options, having a few crucial ones can help you navigate the dating scene more effectively.
Step 3. Balance relationship non-negotiables with flexibility
While it’s important to hold on to your non-negotiables, it’s equally vital to balance them with a certain level of flexibility. Every person is unique, and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Embrace imperfections as much as perfections.
Step 4. Communicate your non-negotiables
Clear communication of your relationship non-negotiables to your prospective partner is key to understanding each other better.
Step 5. Revisit and revise your non-negotiables regularly
As you grow and evolve, your non-negotiables may change. It’s necessary to revisit and revise them periodically.
What If My Non-Negotiables Conflict with Those of My Partner?
Inevitably, you may find yourself in a situation when your relationship non-negotiables clash with those of your partner. For example, as an introvert, you can prefer not crowded places and rest in the open air, while your extroverted partner may need noisy parties and fun. In such situations, clear and open communication is key. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and express your concerns and needs honestly. If your non-negotiables continue to conflict, you may need to reassess the viability of the relationship.
Some of such conflicts will really bring the relationship to an end, say, loyalty, trust, or religion. If you and your partner have a different attitude to getting married and having kids, it is highly unlikely that you will manage to stay together. But don’t get too sad. Anyway, it is for the better because this way you will be able to find a partner who will suit you best and build a relationship that will make you happy.
However, in many cases, you can find a compromise if you try. For example, you can let your partner go to noisy parties, while you rest in a peaceful location, or you can iterate when you spend weekends the way your partner likes and the way you like.
Non-Negotiables in Long-Term Relationships
Non-negotiables are not just relevant in the early stages of dating; they also play a significant role in long-term relationships. Over time, these things can evolve, and new ones might arise. For instance, your priorities might shift from shared interests to shared life goals. A willingness to reassess and communicate your evolving non-negotiables can contribute to a healthy and satisfying long-term relationship.
A good tip is to think about your non-negotiables in marriage even if you plan only dating for now. Who knows how far this relationship can go? And it is better to think about your needs and wants before you have a commitment with someone who doesn’t suit you well. So, when thinking about your non-negotiables in a relationship, don’t focus only on the closest perspective, think broadly.
Relationship Non-Negotiables and Boundaries
One crucial element that often underpins non-negotiables is self-respect. By defining your non-negotiables, you establish boundaries that preserve your sense of self-worth and dignity. This ensures that you enter into relationships that affirm your value, instead of those that undermine it.
Some people are scared of setting boundaries because they think that it would make them look cold and distant. However, boundaries can help you define the space between your and your partner’s identities and provide a framework for recognizing and respecting each other’s individuality.
Setting Boundaries Around Your Non-Negotiables
Setting boundaries requires clear communication, mutual understanding, and respect. Once a boundary is set, both partners should respect it and understand that crossing it may lead to conflict or harm the relationship.
It’s essential not just to set boundaries but also to enforce them. If a boundary is repeatedly crossed, it’s a sign that your non-negotiables are not being respected. Enforcing boundaries might mean having difficult conversations or, in some cases, re-evaluating the relationship.
Can Boundaries Make You Look Detached?
Though many people are afraid of setting boundaries, in reality, most of us are more attracted to confident people who have strong boundaries. And boundaries won’t deprive you of intimacy. It’s rather vice versa, you can be 100% intimate only when you know where the border is, and when it is safe to say and do particular things. And remember to set your boundaries and inform your partner when the things you don’t like happen for the first time. Because this is when you can inform and at the same time it won’t look pushy. Your partner simply didn’t know before and this is not yet a habit. It is indeed perfectly fine to have boundaries. You show that you need respect and people who really value you will accept your boundaries.
Final Thoughts
Non-negotiables are very close to our core values. They serve as the bedrock principles guiding a relationship. By setting and respecting these non-negotiables, both partners can freely express their individual preferences, personal space, and interests without hindrance or apprehension.
The establishment of non-negotiables in a relationship should be a mutual commitment. It becomes unfair if only one partner is adhering to the predetermined parameters of what’s negotiable and what’s not, and this imbalance can eventually lead to problems, conflicts, and even a breakup. Remember about mutual respect and don’t negotiate your relationship non-negotiables if you don’t feel comfortable about that. In the end, non-negotiables are an instrument that exists not just to limit your choice, but to sort out people with whom you won’t have a happy-ever-after anyway.
